Final exams and projects are soon to claim the lives of college students and what better way to end the year (and give our fellow students and staff a goodbye) than by reminding them that we are the worst. Here are another set of five things you can do to be an asshole at UCR.
5.) A Goodbye “Gift”:
Everyone at UCR is overly familiar with the Callery Pear trees or, Cum Trees, that spread the smell of semen around campus, especially during the spring when that nice gentle breeze briefly gives you the fresh smell of spring, right before slapping you with the scent of semen. Well, now is your chance to make those trees (and their scent) useful. Now that the school year is ending and you don’t have to worry about seeing anyone you know until the following fall, gift your “favorite” peer with a baby cum tree, knowing that if they are foolish enough to let it into their home, it will eventually flourish and fill their home with the scent of UCR.
4.) Final Snacks:
Final exams are likely the only reason many don’t look forward to the end of the quarter. There are those who stress up to the day of the exam and there are those who know that worrying will do nothing for them who then think: why not have a bit of fun on a terrible day? Bring the noisiest or smelliest snack you can think of on the day of the final: chips, seaweed, sunflower seeds, popcorn, corn on a cob, sushi, etc. Nothing is worse during a final than trying to focus and concentrate on the exam you are failing and constantly hearing or smelling someone having a time on their snacks.
3.) Bell Tower Finals Preacher:
On the days there isn’t someone telling everyone they are going to Hell, stand by the Bell Tower and make up for the lack of no one preaching by yelling at passing students that they are going to fail their finals. For the more committed ones, make picket signs to give a more visual message and list things they can do to ensure their finals are passed: climb to the C and kiss it at exactly 3:33 in the morning of the final exam, light candles around your seat right before the final, etc.
2.) Be the Start and Finish:
Google Docs has become the best friend of every college student especially when an exam is coming around the corner and you need some help setting up a study guide. Send a mass email to your class peers giving them the link to a Google Doc you just started so everyone can help contribute to a large study guide to prep for the final exam. Now sit back and watch as fifty other people make the study guide for you.
Warning: Only continue if you are an extreme asshole
To make it even more clear how much of a terrible person you are, once everyone else has completed the study guide, copy and paste it onto a separate document for your own personal use of study, and then go back to the Google Doc and delete it. Now watch as everyone panics, cursing whoever would do such a thing.
1.) Be the Best to Be the Worst
Some professors decide that making you sit in a room taking a test isn’t the worst thing they can do, so they decide instead to make you do a final project that you present to your peers to show that you totally attended every lecture and totally understood what was going on in the class. To make things that much more stressful for your peers (because they are the worst and never let you copy their notes when you ditched lecture) go above and beyond in your final project and presentation, bringing in props, expensive PowerPoint formats, and anything that may make you stand out as an amazing student. Confident in you A+ presentation and project, go out of your way and volunteer to be first, giving the best presentation ever. Take your seat and watch as your peers now suffer through their presentations after you’ve just set a high expectation of the professor after such an amazing presentation.