Highlanders running for the exits. Clickers soaring across the lecture hall. TA’s huddled with background clamors that made the air tense. There was absolute pandemonium rushing through the scene at UCR on the first day of class last week, all spawned by some wise-guy professor who followed up his syllabus review with a lecture PowerPoint…on the first day of the quarter.
While few students were seriously triggered at the event, an unfortunate select few walked away with a chilling account of the occurrence that has reached the higher-ups who oversee the UC system because of an act of lunacy and misdirection.
Fourth-year English major Stephon Gilchrist found himself sitting at UNLH for a PSYCH002 class he had used to meet units. Prancing into an eleven-week process towards an easy “A”, he already began to daydream of reaching Panda Express once the lecture let out early; a proven assumption in all basic psychology courses.
Once class got underway and syllabus side bar reached the bottom 15 minutes later, Gilchrist began to slowly put away his belongings, tucking his pencil cases beneath his stash of “loud.”
“The dude starts ‘talmbout’ some shit with the hippocampus and I’m just, like, wondering if he’s playing a prank on us!” commented Gilchrist, hands noticeably shaking days after the event. “It felt like such a big joke that I pulled out my calendar to check if it was April Fools’ Day in the middle of winter. The shit was absolute bananas.”
Gilchrist recalls looking around the lecture hall as the professor, Dr. Ignatius, starting getting into Freud and the latency period. Every Highlander held a look of astonishment and Gilchrist even recalled seeing a group of girls fan one of their own back to consciousness.
Before Dr. Ignatius could reach the CNS, students began to fight back. Gilchrist remembers low mumblings turning into massive protest statements, a preferred hobby by many Highlanders.
Chants began to break out with many messages about feeling attacked on their acumen.
“You think we’re dumb or something?” shouted one classmate.
“Your degree means shit to me!” added another hopeful undergraduate.
As the voices of a generation unified in a singular strength, Dr. Ignatius paused his lecture to figure out what was going on.
“For a while, I assumed the millenials and Gen Z’s were getting their chilly willy’s out,” confessed the unfazed Ignatius. “At a point I singled out a student who was waving his arms around. While in the moment I thought she wanted to ask a question about our look at the amygdala, I suppose it was an S-O-S call.”
As the scene slowly began to turn into a riot, Dr. Ignatius—having craved Burger King all day—stopped the lecture and addressed the matter by asking one student in the front row about the matter.
“What is this madness?” Ignatius asked the student.
“Don’t you ‘mansplain’ the brain to me on borrowed time,” hollered the student.
Students have resumed their second week of class, but still are shaken by the events that occured on the first day of instruction.
“That put a bad taste in my mouth for the rest of the semester,” Gilchrist said. “And I don’t think that would’ve been the case had I had the chance to go get some Panda after the first day of class.”
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