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How Different Majors at UCR Will Break Up With You

Name, Year, Major. Upon declaration of an intended field of study early in a student’s collegiate tenure, they take on a new identity by which the world will figure to determine their skillset and purpose. It becomes a handy tool for your fellow students to determine stereotypes about you and try to draw conclusions as to which ways their declared field will deem them superior to you; Darwinian career building at its zenith! Choosing to romantically involve yourself with a similar lifeless, sleep-deprived, anxiety-driven Highlander could go well or end in mishap. Mother Goose tales are available for those who wish for the storybook finale. Regarding those who care for the latter, this is how it (may) go down!

Location: Kaiser Permanente cafeteria
The Reason: “Let’s make this relationship semi-permeable and replace you with someone I’ve had an ion for a while.”

Location: Local homeless shelter
The Reason: “I’m a child of my culture and its people. This new movement I’m pursuing requires you and I to move away from each other. Permanently.”

Religious Studies
Location: St. Gary’s First United Methodist Church
The Reason: “Get behind me Satan! For it is written, ‘You shall worship the Lord your God, and Him only you shall serve.’” Luke 4:8 (NKJV)

Location: Outside of the nearest Chase bank
The Reason: “We lack equilibrium. Forgive me if I come across real Nash, but dating you has been fiscally irresponsible. My Dow Jones doesn’t rise like it used to.”

Location: Theatre 5, post-La La Land showing
The Reason: “You’re not my tempo and our car karaoke falters because of your screeching under the guise of Baritone. Your Spotify playlists make my skin cry. Jazz isn’t dead but this relationship is.”

Location: The Mission Inn
The Reason: “History has a way of repeating itself. In other words, my ex said he’s finally ready to settle down.”

Political Science
Location: At a coffee shoppe, reading Breitbart to each other
The Reason: “I’m staging a coup from this authoritarian union!”

Location: Barnes and Noble
The Reason: “It’s not you, it’s me. Actually, you text in run-ons and haven’t finished Don Quixote after five months of borrowing it.”

Location: Couples Therapy
The Reason: “Embedded in my preconscious mind, I still like you. When you mentioned a mutual affinity for thrift shopping and boat cleaning, I perceived you as a Type A. Turn out you’re something of a Type…Z. Because of you, I’ve reverted to my latency period. We’re cool, right?”

Location: TBD
The Reason: “I don’t know where this is going.”


Drunk people say the darndest things:


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