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Interview with a Fake (or Real?) Witch at UC-Riverside

It’s October, which means it’s the season for  spookiness and artificial pumpkin flavors. Usually ordinary things are now spooky and also pumpkin: spooky pumpkin ice cream, spooky pumpkin sex, spooky pumpkin heroin. One UCR student does not feel comfortable with all the spooky talk (she’s okay with the pumpkins), and feels that everyone joking about witchcraft is disrespectful for a fairly good reason: she’s a student witch at UC-Riverside. 

The Black Sheep sat down with this student, who refused to give any personal info aside from being a current UCR undergraduate and former child. She then threatened to curse TBS with two years of sobriety if we were to give away her doings. Here are her secrets:

TBS: How long have you known you were a witch?
W: I actually realized it once I started attending UCR. I remember thinking, I wish I could make the dining hall food in Lothian taste better. And then, bam! It did. That was the first time I used my power.

TBS: And what else do you use your powers for?
W: A lot of things. Once I started commuting, it became really convenient to always get a parking spot in lot 30. I once made a guy change his major four times. Poor guy had potential for Neuropsych, now has to study for culinary courses. Sometimes, if I go out to a party and there’s no alcohol, I can turn chaser into it.

TBS: Like Jesus? Aquafina into merlot?
W: Silence!

TBS: If you could change one thing about UCR, what would it be?
W: I would use my powers to heal those poor, crippled frat boys. Walking by every day seeing them unable to get off their couches makes me sullen.

TBS: Anyway, how do you feel about this season? There have been a lot of t-shirts saying things about being a witch. I think I saw a pair of underwear at Pink that said, “witch off duty.” 
W: It is actually extremely insulting. This is not something to joke about, or to use for an “aesthetic”. This is who I am. DON’T APPROPRIATE MY CULTURE.

TBS: Is it hard to hide that you’re a witch at UCR?
W: Actually, not really. I think it’s easier in this area. Whenever I fly on my broomstick, it’s disguised by all the Riverside smog or smoke from a local fire. Most people here look more deranged than I do, anyway.

TBS: Have you ever killed anyone?
W: This interview is over. Expelliarmus!

We should have asked this with to provide us with some sort of proof, but honestly, she gave us chills. Never will you catch us wearing a “witch off duty” thong again. Now we are more aware. But on a particularly smoggy day, or the day of a large fire in the hills, take a closer look at the sky. Maybe you’ll see the end of her broomstick. In the meantime, enjoy your spooky pumpkin crack!

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