Since Snap Maps began, it’s been easier to keep tabs on people without their knowing. While it’s no person’s business that your buddy Hogan shouldn’t have lied about going to class when his Bitmoji CLEARLY placed him at his dorm, it’s been a tacitly useful tool in keeping us engaged in social media even when we’re on the verge of digital overdose. Worst of all, The Black Sheep devised a list of people—and one non-human—you wouldn’t want to catch on your Riverside Snap Maps at 3 a.m.:
4.) Gunrock the Mustang — University Bookstore:
Another quarter, another copy of Elements of Style to buy. Hoping to be the first in line before the bookstore opens, you make your way around 3 a.m. when suddenly you spot the Bitmoji of a blue Thoroughbred waiting in line before you. Awfully familiar, but too improbable to be true, the thought of a UC Davis mascot goes away as Davis—on a nominal level—begins to stir up your bowels irregularly. The closer you get, the more you realize that horse/bronco/mare/whatever the hell it is is actually Gunrock, the Davis mascot. “Get out, Gunrock!” Fueled by your lack of respect for his stupid moniker in an era of heavy gun violence, you intimately text your bro John with an objective to spank Gunrock off campus and settle the rivalry once-and-for-all.
3.) Hillary Clinton and Scotty the Bear — The Barn:
Facing insomnia, you choose to meander around campus five hours before your 8 a.m. to fulfill the “WANDERLUST :P” portion of your Instagram bio. Voyaging to the decrepit Barn near Lot 50, you navigate through the shrubbery and myriad of cigarette butts behind the establishment and come across a fox of a Bitmoji with perfectly coiffed blonde locks and aquamarine pantsuit. You bump into a Stats professor who’s lecturing a student on supposed estranged office hours among the bushes … but wait, that’s no Statistics professor! “Holy citizenship, Hillary Rodham?” The former First Lady gets lonely too. And that student is no student, but UCR’s own Scotty the Bear. “He’s a great listener,” HRC comments, Scotty nodding.
2.) Chancellor Wilcox — Chancellor’s Building Restroom:
After an all-nighter full of coffee, you storm off to the Chancellor’s Building gripping your ass because your bunk mate clogged the stinker last earlier that day. Recently, you discovered that campus’s neatest restroom is available to the public despite being deemed the hyper-exclusive “Chancellor’s Bathroom.” Arriving at the desired level, you spot a gent that could run a University with the wag of a finger. “Sweet kimchi, that’s Chancellor Kim Wilcox!” He gives a warm nod, the Chancellor and bathroom now behind you, signaling a failed mission.
1.) Jared Fogle and his parole officer — Subway:
Before discovering life-saving majesty in the form of Szechuan Three Gem Teriyaki Chicken at Panda Express, Subway used to be the shit when everyone out of Bear Bucks and meal swipes. After exhaustingly missing class at Winston Chung all day, you hop on Maps en route to Subway at 3 a.m. for their “Midnight Marauder’s Meat Special” and spot a nearby digital man with square-ass frames hovering over a crooked smile. Approaching Subway, you spot the mystery meat man chatting with the restaurant’s head chef, Pierre, and come to the realization, “G’damn, it’s Jared! Son of a bitch!” Scared and pissed, you pull out your Tartan Soul pin hoping it could serve as a defense shank if he chooses to cross your path.
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