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Shit You’re Too Definitely Too Old For at UC-Riverside

Life’s about living and learning. Unfortunately, averaging 12 units per quarter and filling your transcript with more W’s than the 2016 Golden State Warriors has gifted you the opportunity to pursue a bachelor’s for five years or more. Now you’re the Papa Dickens on campus and when that international student helped you cross the street you understood that maybe you’ve been here for too long. So, ya geezer, here’s the shit you’re too old for at UC-Riverside now that your life’s withering away:

5.) Downtown Riverside:
Unfortunately, by now you’re beyond the age where people want to help you peel your face off a bar top counter and call an Uber for you. There may not be much for Highlanders to do around UC-Riverside, but there is still trouble to be had at downtown Riverside. Seniors’ night has taken on a new meaning and showing up in your “UC Riverside Dad” pull-over busts more laughs in the hypothetical. By now you think sticky floors and an old fashioned are slowing you on the dance floor, all before your first drink and flaring osteoporosis.

4.) Intramural sports:
This isn’t Last Chance U. If the walk to Glen Mor alone is tiring you out, perhaps reclaiming glory from the days you were benched on the high school football squad ought to be buried. UCR’s intramurals are oversaturated with first and second-year students. Rather than having to get burned on each assignment because alcohol over the years ruined your innards and your acceleration speed can make a sloth look like a trailblazer, consider retirement. 

3.) Hiking to the C
A finals week staple, hiking to the C is a UCR tradition that gives zero shits about your arthritis. Harsh inclines and an hour’s length of travelling upwards ain’t what it used to be back when you started at UCR in the Mesozoic Era. By now, the levels of stress suppressed by Pall Mall’s and drinking Yak will leave you trailing behind the group of friends who pitifully decided to join you.

2.) Attend Block Party, HEAT, Spring Splash
Another year, another missed opportunity for ASPB to have landed Engelbert Humperdinck for HEAT. Contemporary music listeners have dominated the UCR scene and unless you’re up-to-date on Soundcloud rappers, you’ll be out-of-the-loop with the performances. Growing up in the Golden Years of the 90s, your taste in classical, jazz, and Led Zeppelin tribute bands will lead to heartbreak every time a lineup is announced. With the way style has devolved, you will also stick out in your aged sense of party attire (see: “Toon Squad” jerseys, and the hit-or-miss your  Z Cavaricci’s will get). Wait another year and maybe they’ll finally land Tony Bennett.

1.) Late-night drunk food:
Riverside is the mecca for drunk munchies. Dollar menu galore and sauced-to-the-edge shit that is a squirt of sour cream away from being FDA unapproved has been your diet for half a decade. Unfortunately, the last night without heartburn took place $20,000 of student debt ago. Taco Tuesdays and brews at the Getaway past 8 p.m. are now a laughing matter; chances are you’ll be streaming brown town in your Huggies if you choose to go. Breathe in the L and stay-in at your retirement apartment at Falkirk, or pop a Pepcid next time the boys want to go out for Fifth Meal.

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