Oh, shit. It’s the first half of the quarter, and when you look on iLearn for the first time this year, you’re somehow already failing half of your classes. Well, not somehow. You know how. But you shouldn’t suffer consequences just because you were too hungover to go to your 8 a.m.’s. Or your 9 a.m.’s. Or your 1 p.m.’s. The good news here is that everybody loves a good comeback story! There’s still time to turn this quarter around so that you’re not a more of a disappointment to your family than you already are!
5.) Seduce your professor and/or your TA:
This one’s a classic, and you really can’t go wrong. And if they’re attractive, and you’re in CHASS where the Philosophy and Poly Sci professors are at, it’s a win-win. Butter them up with all the news of how they were great in lecture the other day know you were nowhere to be found that morning.
4.) Start going to class higher than usual:
Time to turn it up a notch. The trick is to stay consistent and survive the walk to UNLH that may feel like seasons to get to. You can’t go high one day and sober the next. But, according to science, the key to good grades is relaxation. Also, the stench of sweat & body heat in UNLH is not nearly as bad when you’re in another world.
3.) Snort coffee:
It’s a thing. Supposedly. Snorting something is a fast and effective way of getting it in your system. Do Highlanders have time to drink coffee? Do you ever see Scotty walking around with a coffee mug? No, because he snorts it, and you should too. Besides, they have bags of coffee out at The Coffee Bean, along with collection of tea samples. Yes, tea will also work. It’s way to keep you energized, a skill you probably already have, and it’s free. You could also gun it.
2.) Skate by the Bell Tower:
If you’ve gone to UCR for more than a week, and have been on campus by the Bell Tower in the early evening, you’ve probably seen the group of guys that constantly skate there and mess up. Legend has it that falling off your board by the Bell Tower is good luck. Also, if you have that confidence, you can handle anything here.
Sometimes, the key to failure is to accept it. Even if you’re already a fifth year, there’s still next quarter. Besides, just coasting through classes is much easier than trying to turn this around. This is not meant to be discouraging, but to remind you that sometimes success is just unrealistic.
The Black Sheep is dedicated to education and are always looking out for you guys. These have been tried and tested, and there is a 101% success rate. Yeah, they’re that good.
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