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The Top 5 Nonsexual Things That Turn You on at UC Riverside

The tension built from endless nights of studying and no sleep can ramp up your need for sexual attention. Fortunately, the founders of UCR built an empire that not only guides your steps to a higher education, it places its hand at your hip. Turn down the lights and pour up the Franzia Moscato, here are the top 5 ways UCR can turn you on:

5.) Sitting with Scotty:
The biggest gift this school ever graced its student body outside of the UCR Grant is the smoldering Scotty bench. The cast iron figure sitting on the end of a charity bench representing the kilted face of UCR awaits you patiently in the restless sun as you get out of that midterm you’ve been up for all night with a plan to help you decompress. Sit down and rest your head on his lap. That heat you will feel isn’t the broiling iron searing your skin—its Scotty’s hot passion to spend some office hours with you and assist in passing that Anatomy class you don’t have.

4.) Walking to class in the hot Riverside musk:
Knees weak, back is sweaty. Averaging six miles to walk to class on the daily means you’re exposed to that bright spot in the sky often. There’s no need to bring a scooter or rent a Zagster when you realize that the beating coat of heat you’ve got on is turning you on. All those nights never spent cuddling in warmth with a hypothetical significant other is now felt in the 95-degree heat. Feel the spooning of the rays and don’t fly too close to that sun, Dicarus.

3.) Extra scoop of Beijing beef at Panda:
Feed a college student and they will love you forever. In a system that drains the nectar out of your Chase account like a thirsty hummingbird with $30,000 of student debt, food expenses take a large hit against your volition. For a generation that spends more and Snapchats their meals at a larger rate than any generation prior, there is a hit on a college student’s ethos when they’re too broke to eat … out. Daily trips to the HUB are now weekly and every portion of Panda Express counts. As the patron finishes filling your plate with that delectable, spicy Beijing Beef, you notice the army of BB is spilling into your chow mein. Amazing grace, that’s a whole lotta BEEF. To the patron it’s a random act of kindness, or a mistake. To you, it’s time to change those underoos.

2.) Printing at the Computer Lab:
Don’t hold back, Tumbleweed. Printing on-the-go is one of the true plights of being a student. Often times you need a physical copy of an eight-page odyssey of BS and are called to the computer lab for a quick PJ (printing job). When it’s time to visit ol’ Tumbleweed, she’s a bit hesitant to dish out your paper and claims it’s got a paper jam. Deep down you know her time with you is not over until she says it is, and sticking around a little longer for a quick fix will be the only solution to dislodging that roller.

1.) Student Rec Center:
Typing in your student ID to get in often feels like an intimate arrangement. Follow it with slipping your hand in a bio-scanner that perfectly matches its size with every digit is the touch you’ve been yearning for. Disregard the groups of students that sweat their tails off to look chiseled, the building stands taller than them. From its many windows that let you look inside in a hint of vulnerability, to the motion-sensitive bathroom lights that don’t shine without you, the SRC can be the B-A-E any day of the week.

Honorable Mention — The Bell Tower:
Sorry, that’s too easy.

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