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UCR Embraces Dairy, Notches #11 In ‘Got Milk?’ Ranking

Welcome to the land of milk and honey’s!

Annually ranking colleges on their sobriety or collectively casual alcoholism, the Princeton Review released their “Got Milk” list—a ranking of schools that drink the least amount of beer—for the upcoming school year and DD’ing its way to 11th best in the nation was, you guessed it, UC Riverside!

“Late nights sneaking into UNLH with a cold sixer of Alta Dena‘s is how we do it ’round here,” confessed sophomore Marissa Horner, who was shaking off an RBST-heavy memory from the night before. Horner and her fellow Highlanders have embraced a culture of excessive milk imbibing that has granted as much fun as alcohol, saved them money, and inadvertently strengthened their bones.

“The shift in culture at UCR is finally coming to the spotlight,” Horner said. “I’m damn proud to lait with whomever I please!”

UC Riverside’s lactose obsession stems from an inspiring origin. For years, the university has been looked down on for its oft-lackluster social scene compared to neighboring elite institutions like UCLA, USC, and Chaffey College.

“We host some of the best concerts of the year, but the lack of a true metropolitan presence in our setting hasn’t worked to our benefit,” said Chauncey Mewgar, an underground event organizer. “The deficiency in surrounding bars, clubs, malls, beaches, and Wienerschnitzel’s has put us in an upstream battle against fellow schools. So, we figured instead of playing their game, we’ll make it our own.”

Since early 2016, Chauncey and other guerilla event organizers have slowly proposed alternative college lifestyles to UCR’s student body in order to become a school that redefines debauchery and distinguishes itself from the archetypal college life.

The first of these alt-propagandas has been the “Be True to Moo, not Pabst Blue” campaign, a promulgation for students to get ironically drunk off shit-tons of dairy. The movement has gained steam and will receive an even greater push with the newly published Princeton list. “Hopefully this Princeton ranking will propel what we’re trying to start at UC Riverside,” Chauncey expressed. “We’re overdue on recognition, but we’ll just have to keep on milking.”

The fresh rankings have already made word among the UC social sphere. Incoming Freshman Ezekiel Lewb grew confident in his decision to join UC Riverside after a months-long decision between the home of the Highlanders and other schools in the UC system. “Knowing my school’s the best-ranked UC on that list gave me some bragging rights,” Lewb said. “I’m rightfully proud to be a Highlander and avid milk boy.”

Lewb and other incoming students seek to pave the way toward one day outranking #1 spot holder Brigham Young University by vowing to get soused off anywhere from fat-free to Vitamin D milk with every opportunity granted. “The spirit of Scotty the Bear will smile upon the class of ’21 with great fortune and merciful grade curves,” Lewb said. “Yo, I also noticed Davis somewhere at the bottom of the list, as per usual.”

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