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UCR Freshman Far Too Smart For Basic Level Classes

In just his first week of classes, UCR freshman Justin Smith has determined that his intelligence level is far superior to other freshmen, and he will not need to attend any further ENGL 1000 classes at Humanities. Not only is a 10 a.m. class impossible to wake up for, Chung Hall is “like, 15 nautical miles from University Lecture Hall,” and Smith doesn’t feel like walking that far.

“The prof included the dates of all the tests so I don’t feel the need to attend class except on those days,” Smith smirked. “I’m already proficient in English, I mean I’m speaking it right now, so how hard could a test be? I would rather chill out in Lothian crushing push-pops all day.”

Although his education is important, Smith believes that attending three of the four classes he has this semester is enough education.

“Although I failed English in high school, that was my teacher’s fault, they just didn’t understand me and my writing,” Smith said. “I asked my parents to proofread everything I did in high school. Since Ernest Hemingway was so famous for sowing his seed like a corn farmer, my dad checked my birth certificate to make certain that I wasn’t the spawn of Mr. Hemingway.”

ENGL 1000 takes attendance as part of the grade, but Smith is confident in his ability to get over the highest grade possible on every test given in the class. With the makeup of the class’ grades broken down into 15% attendance, 15% homework, 20% quizzes and 50% test scores, Smith will have to score a perfect on every quiz and test to pass the class, since he “doesn’t have the time for the work bullshit his professor will throw at” him this semester.

“The basic classes are just too basic, and I’m not a basic bitch,” Smith said. 

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