Hopefully it’s not too late! Much like Zika, TSA won’t let you on a flight if you’re an asshole. Don’t skim over this cheat sheet and learn how not to be AssHat McGee to your fellow Highlanders during a UCR lecture.
7.) Chewing food loudly:
While some of us are adept at seeming like we’re paying attention to lecture, others really don’t give a shit. If you walk into Sproul with a cup o’ Maruchan and intend on slurping mad rolls of noods during class, the door’s thattaway!
6.) Stealing an unassigned assigned seat:
Did no one teach you manners? Did you grow up in an area where you just took things and acted like you owned them? Are you Christopher Columbus? If you are, that’s very shocking, but it’s time you learned that you cannot take things that aren’t yours. It’s just manners. If this is Week Three and someone has been sitting in that seat the whole time, sit in your own goddamn unassigned assigned seat.
5.) Touch-typing notes:
Thinking of putting that fresh set of three-inch acrylics to the test on that new iPad keyboard? There’s no need to since Ticonderoga pencils really aren’t a task to use. The unending clicking and clacking of 80 WPM typing is the untouched sin of the classroom that no one can admit to. Those damned freshies.
4.) Asking a million questions:
Most people will tolerate 999,999. But once you hit one million, you are officially an asshole. Like Christopher Columbus, if he went to a UC-level institution.
3.) Reminding the professor about homework:
Good chance you’ll be burned at the stake after class for this one, like Christopher Columbus should’ve been. Also, can we bring burning people at the stake back? Remember how good Myrtle Snow looked in American Horr—sorry, getting off track. If that old man with a pacemaker forgot to collect homework in the midst of blasting e-mails and eating bran during the day, leave him.
2.) Requesting that class not be cancelled:
Yes, there have been people that have requested a class not be cancelled because they feel like they would not be getting their money’s worth by one class not being cancelled. And these people will probably live in their mother’s basements forever.
Right after people that clap when the plane lands and when the movie ends, this is the most annoying instance of clapping out there. Was the lecture really that moving that you feel compelled to slap your hands together? Did the professor really just do that beautiful of a job? Are you that big of a kiss ass? The answer is only yes to one of these, and *spoiler alert*, it’s the last one.
No one is going to stop being an asshole. And no one’s going to stop complaining about an asshole. It’s an endless cycle of hypocrisy that we live in. But there’s good news. You can beat the cycle of asshole-ness in a few ways: not showing up to class, failing, and thus getting kicked out of school. That way, you definitely won’t be an asshole in lecture. You’ll probably be an asshole in whatever else you’re doing, but not in lecture at UC Riverside, which is great for us!
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