A recent study by The Times Higher Education listed UC-Riverside as the 165th best university in the world. UCR officials, shocked at the low-ranking number have taken matters into their own hands and conducted a study of their own.
“We saw 165 and we really just couldn’t believe it. We’re UC-Ratchetside for god’s sake—who wouldn’t want to go to school here?! Once we saw UC-Davis is ranked #51 we knew their study had zero credibility, so we decided to conduct our own,” said the UCR Director of Student Relations.
It’s reported that unpaid, malnourished UC Riverside undergraduates conducted the study to determine an unbiased and wholly accurate report of the top 10 universities in the world, which included renowned institutions such as Cambridge, Harvard, Oxford, Monsters U, National University of Singapore, Jesus’ Bible/Theology College (30 A.D.), and at its number one spot: University of California, Riverside.
“Some people might say we rigged the results, since it was a study done at UCR, but to them we say—fuck off! Talk to us when you spend countless hours producing such thorough reports without being paid a dime,” one aggravated UCR graduate student told us.
Since the study was published, a notable rise in public appearances by UCR merchandise and brand recognition has emerged both on campus and beyond the grounds.
Several students have even been seen with fresh Scotty the Bear tattoos. We spoke to one on the reasoning behind his new ink, “I used to be kind of embarrassed since we never had that high of rankings, I wouldn’t like, sport my UCR sweatshirts when I went to visit my family back in LA, but now that we’re literally ranked #1 I want the world to know where I went to school—now and forever.”
Hoping to keep the hot hand scorching, rank-based studies within different departments at UCR have poured in for the sake of a well-earned spotlight. UC Riverside’s Entomology department released a “Top 10 Coolest, Overlooked, Underappreciated, The Rest are Awful Entomology Departments of All-Time (2017)” with an undisputed winner at #1.
A faculty member of the Entomology department defended the ranking, “We’ve had some pretty progressive studies on the Asian Citrus Psyllid and we had a pretty good Tuesday last week, so we really felt like we earned this one for ourselves.”
School pride has become rampant here at UCR, the world’s finest institution, a title only appropriate until a pending article, “Top 10 Universities in the Galaxy”, finds publishing–thanks to the English department–by the end of this quarter. Only time will tell whether UCR is able to sustain itself as a top university.
Like booze before noon? So do these guys…