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Top 10 Ways to Stay Abstinent at UCR (Good Luck!)

Finding an abstinent college student is similar to meeting a physically fit professional bowler. For those interested in remaining chaste, there’s hope. If you’re in that crowd of innocent folk who vomit at the thought of coitus, or maybe you’ve had a little too much fun and are crawling with STDs…here are pointers on what to do/not do if you’re refraining from meaningless college sex…

10.) Avoid 1-on-1 study sessions: 

Days of productivity at the local coffee shop have gone extinct. That is, unless you go alone. The oddly supportive boy that sits next to you in lab and is overly-eager to find you at UNLH does not need off-campus tutoring as much as he insists. He’ll pretend to not know what the powerhouse of the cell is if it means getting you two alone at Molino’s.

9.) Academic Excellence is Not an Option:

Performing well academically in high school had its appeal of connecting with a significant other on a deeper, intellectual level. Being the smart-ass in college is a pheromone. Something about having options post-grad and being set up for financial stability rings sexy to poor colleagues.

8.) Let yourself go: 

Panda Express for breakfast, sunglasses indoors, mustard stains. Be the anti-social butterfly you’ve always feared of becoming!

7.) Understand your self-worth:

Satisfaction doesn’t rely on a second-year economics major if you value yourself for what you’re capable of.

6.) Drop out:

Your chances of having sex at UCR will take a sharp hit.

5.) Treat others like Mark Zuckerberg would in ‘The Social Network’:

Use big words to be demeaning and assert dominance in a GAP hoodie. You may end up a garbage human but at least your chastity be nice!

4.) Use Facebook as your source for romance:

Basing interactions with your significant interest on advice from LADBible and Buzzfeed shared posts is the perfect deflection of romance. You’ll come off so vain that abstinence will be a lifestyle, not a choice.

3.) Don’t Look at the Bell Tower:

Word around the Philosophy Department is the Bell Tower is a tacit phallic influence. Full exposure to the tower will lead to children.

2.) Don’t Leave the Dorm:

Not your dorm hall. Not your dorm building. Remain in your dorm for safety. Limit your attendance to class because the person leering at you en route to class DOES want to love you.

1.) Don’t Dorm:

Following this tactic will surround you with people you can trust and not consummate with legally. Sorry pops!

Like booze before noon? So do these guys…


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