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UCR’s ShakeOut Drill ‘Probably’ Part of Larger Government Conspiracy

In a clever stint of misdirection, UCR’s Shakeout event on campus will allow students and staff proper practice for potential natural disasters, a la John Cusack in 2012. While the higher-ups aren’t calling the event for what it is, The Black Sheep has uncovered the event’s conspiracy in what may be the first loose thread to the last days.

Held on October 19 (10/19) at 10:19 AM, adept and seasoned numerologists at The Black Sheep HQ have uncovered an algorithm that has led them to the number “58.” By adding the date and time together (29+29) and subtracting the remaining number of months on “10/19” twice (2 x 2 = 4), avid number crunchers and Bachelor of Arts holders have landed the number “54,” which is a shortened way of saying “1954.”

While many thought of that year as the time the U.S. fought back against McCarthyism, it was also the year UC Riverside opened its doors for its first session of classes, placing the revered university in the crosshair of the apocalypse.

When pressed with the cold, hard stats, ShakeOut event organizer Yolanda Digits was quick to wipe away the trail of breadcrumbs leading to the ShakeOut’s true purpose.

“Doesn’t make sense one bit,” Digits said. “Earthquakes are a serious matter that are an underlying nightmare for all of us living around the San Andreas fault. With ample procedure and safety tips, we can be prepared at all times for an event with no set time.”

Digits left unconvinced after being shown several empty pages out of a composition book found in a nearby chemistry lab and failed to provide further comments.

The ShakeOut event will feature a number of physical routines to perform in the event of the hypothetical earthquake/meteor rainfall. During the two-minute drill, the ShakeOut website informs students and staff to drop down on hands and knees with a focus on covering up vital organs.

In the midst of destruction, this routine will protect you from the inevitable free-for-all that other countries will engage in once the doomsday clock hits twelve. The website adds that this position allows you to remain guarded and “move freely” in the case that the earthquake/hellfire strikes en route to a lab that won’t give you attendance points if you’re late.

Students around campus have expressed appreciation towards UCR and the event organizers for keeping their safety in mind with ShakeOut.

Second-year econ major and level 65 healer, Nate Stoudemire, says he’s never felt safer in a year shrouded in violence and political discourse.

“I think this event will bring a sense of ease when students learn the proper techniques to surviving a natural disaster with their best chances,” commented Stoudemire, now a year sober after a freshman year diet of Mike’s Hard and Black & Mild’s.

“Please don’t add that,” he added.

After a reflection on the ShakeOut, he was handed the composition detailing the underlying script of the world ending and UCR doing its best to protect its students in the guise of a two-minute earthquake drill. Convinced and appalled, Stoudemire took off in a blazing speed to the nearest Wal-Mart to purchase, what he believes, his last pack of Mild’s.

Stay tuned with The Black Sheep for the latest in post-apocalyptic survival guides, debauchery, and “Top 10” lists once the end times obliterates most of the world and The Odyssey. 

 

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