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Which Drugs Should You Take When You Go to Class at UCR?

Let’s be real—who’s going to class sober these days? If you are, more power to you, but it seems that at UCR, no one really does anything sober in order to make life in Riverside a tad spicier. Sure, drugs are illegal in many parts of this country and can lead to consequences beyond your wildest imagination. But, that beings said, here are which drugs should you take (yes, alcohol is a drug of a different variety) you should try for specific classes at UCR: 

10.) Shrooms: 
– Class(es): Plant and Human Affairs, Natural History of Insects, California’s Cornucopia, any Environmental Science course
– Why: To know the bugs, you must be a bug. Shrooms are found in grassy 99% of the time, so the connection’s there.
– Side effects: Reports have shown that bystanders often morph into insects mid-hallucination.

9.) Acid: 
– Class(es): The Sociological Imagination, Dance: Culture and Context, Intro to Dance, any Dance course
– Why: Let loose, and appreciate life.
– Side effects: Neurons are stimulated, leading to wicked dance moves (no one off acid does “The Chicken”). 

8.) Cocaine: 
– Class(es): Macroeconomics, Microeconomics, Screenwriting: How Movies Work
– Why: Numbers will register in your mind quicker. Also, nothing beat writing screenplays in a dimly-lit room next to a pile of cocaine.
– Side effects: You’ll do the McConaughey dance from Wolf of Wall Street. 

7.) Ecstasy/Molly:
– Class(es): any Music course
– Why: You’ll be killin’ it on the bagpipes, shoutout to Scotty!
– Side effects: Beethoven will sound like Future. 

6.) Wine:
– Class(es): Bio030: The Dirty 30
– Why: Makes UC Riverside a bearable place to pursu…oop, Freudian Slip! Makes it easier to understand the reproductive process when your classmate goes from a 5 to a 9. 
– Side effects: Desire to sex things up while listening to Salt-N-Pepa.  

5.) Four Loko:
– Classes: For UCR Student-Athletes
– Why: You’ll achieve peak performances from the caffeine and alcohol in your bloodstream. If you drink enough, any loss will be easier to bear. 
– Side effects: Post-practice lectures won’t be excruciating when fatigue is a thing of the past. 

4.) Whiskey: 
– Class(es): Intro to Creative Writing
– Why: It’ll lead you to your own Great Gatsby, or Old Man and the Sea. Also, it’s the best and cheapest stuff around these Riverside streets. 
– Side effects: Any great writer spent their career drunk. A lot of them also died in a gutter, but they made great work before they did. 

3.) Weed: 
– Class(es): Life Science…or life, in general, man. 
– Why: A classic really. You can’t go wrong. Are you high right now? Maybe. Yes.
– Side effects: Constantly asking, “Where’s the Moo-Moo Truck??”

2.) Heroin:
– Class(es): Women’s Studies
– Why: “Heroine” is close enough, and it’s a word for lady. 
– Side effects: Death.

1.) Meth:
– Class(es): Okay, no. Too far. And that’s coming from people who drink when on days ending in “day.” No judgement though.
– Why: Your teeth. Think about your teeth.
– Side effects: If need be, there are students studying to go to dental school. Get their help. 

Leave it to the talented, inebriated staff at The Black Sheep UCR to spend its last $100 of Beat Bucks on drugs, for your health. Have a great week five! Or is it week four…

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