The UCSB Residence Hall Association has long prided itself on its commitment to a safe, fun, and enriching experience for students who spend the year in their dorms. To that end, they have issued a comprehensive, UCSB RHA-approved guide for you to maximize your smoking experience when inhaling herb within the res hall walls. Use these 10 tips on how to smoke weed in the dorms and avoid getting caught during your high times inside these beautiful facilities:
10.) Towel the door:
This is an easy one, but just easy to forget. Everyone knows that if an RA sees a towel poking out from the corner of your door, they’re not allowed to knock for any reason, even in emergencies. Think of it like the stoner’s version of the sock on the door handle.
9.) Uncover the smoke detector:
Contrary to popular opinion, the res hall smoke detectors actually only go off when they don’t detect smoke in the room. To ensure that your res hall director knows you and your roommates are meeting your RHA-mandated smoking quotas, we suggest even lighting some candles and keeping those burning when you’re not home.
8.) Turn on the fan:
The sound of the fan is sure to drown out sounds of lighters flicking or students coughing, and it really is the best way to whip things up when you’ve got a nice open flame going in the middle of your room. Bonus: use it to cool off your hotbox by getting the smoke to circulate to every part of the room.
7.) Blow the smoke out the window:
This is your best bet to alert fellow stoners on your floor to the activities taking place. Blow that smoke left, right, up, down, and all around until a large enough crowd has gathered from nearby floormates who caught a whiff of the dank.
No need to overcomplicate things — simply sneak in some alcohol so you can slip into a nice crossfade. There’s nothing like a frosty cold beer to counteract the cottonmouth.
5.) Draw a weed leaf and write 420 on your neighbor’s door to throw RAs off the scent:
This one is fairly self explanatory. I don’t know why everyone hasn’t figured this out as a way to divert attention from in-house hotboxing.
4.) Familiarize yourself with the RAs’ duty walk schedule:
You’re safe after 9 p.m., which is when they stop making the rounds, so at that point don’t even worry about it. For all other times keep a lookout (explained below) on *high* alert at each end of the hallway.
3.) Train your lookout to intercept the RA:
Have him pretend he’s having a really bad day and just needs to talk it out peer-to-peer. This should buy you at least four hours to finish smoking and go out for food. Trust us, your RA will eat that shit up and beg for more.
2.) Make your Res Hall Director question their own sobriety:
Inhale in your room, hold it in while you walk past the front desk, and blow it under the door to the res hall director’s office. It’ll catch them completely off guard and they’ll never think to trace it back to a resident.
1.) Incapacitate your RA:
If all else fails, trick your RA into eating a 10-dose edible from your club’s “bake” sale. He’ll be way too high for the next 24-48 hours to do much of anything, let alone write you up.
These are just ten of the thousand ways to smoke in UCSB res halls the way the RHA intended. Keep blazing, Gauchos, and know that Chancellor Yang is immeasurably proud of all your hard work.