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5 Campus Improvements UCSB Needs More Than the NewCen

In this otherwise tumultuous and uncertain world we live in, there are two universally accepted truths: college students are broke as fuck, and those in student government won’t take no for an answer. This unfortunate combination has recently plunged our campus into conflict, with proposal of an extensive (and expensive) renovation of the UCen, a building that is already functioning perfectly adequately for the 2% of the student body that actually goes there. Despite the obvious folly of attempting to convince the Gauchos to pay extra for anything besides guac on nachos, the few supporters of the bill have been campaigning tirelessly. In an attempt to provide alternative solutions for these hammer-happy constructiophiles, we’ve compiled a list of 5 more useful and probably still less expensive campus upgrades we’d rather have than the NewCen.

5.) A dispensary in the Arbor:
With the Arbor already being a prominent watering hole for those on campus who find themselves stuck with a serious case of LSO (Lost, Stoned, and Alone), the addition of a recreational marijuana dispensary just makes plain sense. Imagine stumbling out of your longest lecture of the day, slumping hard off your morning dab and enduring a suffocating case of cottonmouth. You make a beeline to the Arbor for a beverage and a slice before your next section.To your delight, you see you can now pick up a pre-roll for later at the Woodstock’s window. With its central location and ample snack and beverage options, a dispensary would greatly increase the utility of the Arbor.

4.) Padded, sound-proof, panic rooms on every floor of the library:
Midterms got you down? Is your life spiraling out of control? Just need to let it all out without looking like a psycho? With this campus improvement students would be free to express their emotions without the social ramifications of doing it publicly or having their roommates call the police. By converting one study room per floor into a soft, insulated sanctuary, the university would be providing students with a healthy emotional outlet. Cry, yell, throw a tantrum, whatever you need to do to feel better. No one will ever know.

3.) Bathroom stalls without glory holes:
It’s 2018, and here at The Black Sheep we know it’s about damn time for some real change. Many Gauchos have been on campus, needing to deposit the aftermath of their most recent IV Deli run, and found themselves face to face with, well, the rest of the bathroom, as soon as they sit down in a stall. This unfortunate phallic epidemic plagues facilities across campus, and would be a fairly easy fix, considering the diminutive nature of many of these waist-high excavations. The extended counseling sessions needed after an unfortunate run in with a glory hole still in frequent use, however, may still be a ways from becoming a reality.

2.) A separate bike path network for beach cruisers and those having conversations:
Aside from the individuals in question, every single Gaucho has been stuck behind one of these traffic dams at least a handful of times during their college career. Whether it’s two people on fixie bikes chatting it up on their way home from lecture, or the massive handlebars of one beach cruiser in the dead center of the lane, it’s obvious these people have no grasp of basic bike traffic rules. Therefore, it would be beneficial to all students and faculty members if a separate network of campus bike baths was created exclusively for this sort of behavior. With sorority girls still able to look cute on their pastel steeds during morning commute and the rest of us able to get to class on goddamn time, it’s a win-win for the entire student population.

1). A second Storke Tower right Next to the first one:
You can never go wrong with twice the BJÖNG.

Come on, UCSB. Think of the savings, and the immeasurable happiness that we would achieve with any of these additions getting priority over the NewCen. Seriously, a dispensary in the arbor – how has no one thought of this before?

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