UCSB students have a special relationship with the local critters on campus. Last quarter they even tried to make them their new mascot to replace that slightly racist Gaucho. People may avoid eye contact with them when walking on opposite directions of them on the sidewalk, but what they do not realize is how much they have in common with the sexy raccoons in their area. Raccoons! They’re just like us!
5.) They eat trash:
Raccoons are usually stumbling around at night, drunkenly in search of greasy food. Most of their diet comes out of the dumpster, because you are what you eat!
4.) They’re nocturnal:
Raccoons spend most of their daytime hours not going to class and not studying just like the students of this campus. The hours are spent on more important things such as sleeping to catch up on the hours missed the night before by searching for a pound of weed because they just can’t feel high unless they take actually 420 bong rips. Female and emo male raccoons can be spotted at all times with smudged black makeup on their face from crying about their grades and also how no one can stay loyal in Isla Vista due to everyone being too hot and temptingly delicious.
3.) They fuck in the winter:
Raccoons tend to mate from the months of January to June, which UCSB students also tend to do, hence “cuffing season.” During the sort of colder months we all hole away into our fuck caves and stay warm with a partner.
2.) They don’t test for all the diseases they definitely have:
Much like UCSB students, raccoons face are infectious diseases from other fellow raccoons and never test it. Never test it, that is, until it becomes a problem, aka foaming from orifices such as the mouth or the genitals.
1.) They look cute but are rabid:
After the sun goes down, they can be found roaming the streets in packs in search of prey and a good time. The masks are befitting of the breed as they are expert scavengers. Set a couch on fire in the street and one will drag it home to put in their living room by the end of the night. Leave a laptop in your living room with the door unlocked and you may also find that picked up by a sneaky raccoon using it to order Domino’s online.
Raccoons are quite agile and can be seen climbing trees to safer ground in order to look cooler in front of all the chick raccoons, just like Zeta boys at their home parties. A raccoon’s wiseness and experience can be measured by how many large Woodstocks pizzas or Freebirds burritos he can put away at the end of the night and still have room for desserts. At the end of the day, they’re an everyday part of living in Isla Vista, and although people tend to avoid them, I hope that after reading this article, next time you see one you’ll high-five that little fucker. After all, we are one with the mapaches.
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