You’ve lived in SB for 4+ years and your devolution/assimilation into an Isla Vista hippy has reached the penultimate pinnacle of ignorance. Your parents told you about the “real world,” and now it’s time to leave our bubble of questionable worldviews for the realm of reasonable professionalism (probably). Don’t fret! Here are the class of 2018’s best bets for surviving the world outside of IV:
5.) You MUST wear shoes. And a shirt. And pants. Regularly:
People don’t want to see your grungy ass feet in other parts of the country. Sure you haven’t owned a decent pair of shoes in a year, and all of your jeans are stained with bong water and Franzia. That’s fine here, but your peers in LA will a actually be like “what the fuck is this grunge lord up to.” Erase those preconceived notions with a quick jaunt to the thrift store. You can go from a gross graduate to an urban millennial immediately.
4.) Most conversation topics pretty much go out the window, so watch what you let fly from your mouth:
Look dude. I love hearing about those space lines you did listening to the Dark Side of the Moon on loop. For real. That sounds awesome. But you gotta remember that people in other parts of the world will actually trip balls about the legality of your behavior. For some reason, people actually seem to care. So just don’t go talkin’ ’bout all your choppin’.
3.) Waking up before 11 a.m. must become a force of habit. Like, MUST:
You may not have owned an alarm clock since you moved to IV, but the time has come to go on Amazon and order it straight to your door. Free shipping too! See, the real world isn’t that bad. Now just wake your ass up. Because people will care if you’re late. And if you’re still drunk.
2.) If you leave California, shit will be really weird. So be ready:
There are few places in the US that are THAT different for one another. However, if you’re graduating from UCSB and you’ve never lived anywhere but coastal California, say you got a high paying job in Kansas or some shit, things will not be the same. Most of the US is corn fields and heroin. One of these things is extremely oppressive on the mind and can cause pain and disillusion with life. The other is a terrible opioid. Don’t get caught up in either.
1.) Beer die is not played in other places, even in California. Spread the word!:
This is a rare positive request from the Black Sheep. GET THE WORD OUT ON BEER DIE. That shit is lit and the world must know. Graduates: you are the standard-bearers of this drinking sub-culture. Spread it across the nation!
Besides the beer die thing, IV probably has your world you view all fucked up. So please, heavily consider these tips to ease the pain of assimilation.
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UAB – $300 Referral Bounty
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Mizzou – $100 Bounty
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Auburn – $100 Bounty
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UMass – $100 Bounty
Michigan State – $100 Bounty
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