With ocean vistas, large eucalyptus trees, and canopied courtyards, anyone who has eyes on UCSB’s campus can appreciate the splendor. However, as your chief investigative team unaffiliated with the university, the newly formed Black Sheep Bong Brigade recently took to campus to do some critical field studies. We all know the obvious good spots to smoke weed on campus: campus point, the beach outside the Santa Cruz dorms, anywhere in FT, etc. So, naturally, we thought finding the antipode to these spots essential to enhancing any marijuana advocate’s campus smoking experience. Behold! The 5 worst places to smoke weed in public:
5.) The middle of the bike loop at the bus loop:
This spot will most definitely get you an MIP. It is simply too out in the open for you to rip bowls openly. As far as comfort goes, the only things to sit on are a manhole cover and grass irrigated by sewage water. Overall dankness is equivalent to smoking a bowl of stems behind a police car. So yeah. Not dank.
4.) A random ditch by South Hall:
This spot will most likely trigger your flashbacks from ‘Nam. The plant cover is thick, the ground is wet, and the UCPD will surely be curious as to why the grass smells like… well, grass. As far as aesthetics go, this spot only disappoints, as it’s located in the area of campus more akin to a trailer park than a coastal university. Overall dankness is equivalent to spilling bong water: wet and depressing.
3.) Mid-pedal on the bike path:
Though this feat is the stuff of legend, it is *HIGHLY* ill-advised. Taking a fat bong hit on a bike in motion is simply too challenging. The rush of pulling this off rip may even leave you mega-ripped and temporarily out of breath, because we know that biking flares up your chronic bronchitis. And let’s be honest. Do you REALLY want to be the first person at UCSB ever to get a BUI? Didn’t think so. Overall dankness is equivalent to rubbing your face in the sun-scorched pavement at high noon.
2.) Any assorted shrubbery:
These areas of campus are just outright uncomfortable. The ground contains thorns that pierce your legs and your soul. Even the lowest-tier dope fiends on campus can agree that these weeds are not worth smoking in. If you get too stoned, you may even set them on fire, and we all know how much UCSB students love natural disasters. Save yourself the risk of starting the Bren Hall Blaze and just don’t smoke here. Overall dankness is equivalent to a reclaim dab.
1.) The bottom of Storke Tower:
The top of Storke Tower is at the head of every list of places you should pull off smoking weed at UCSB. The bottom of Storke tower is the head’s asshole. There are no far-reaching views and no cool breeze to remind you you’re outside if you’re too stoned. Its proximity to the UCEN also means the closest munchies are shitty and overpriced, and if you aren’t careful, you may even hear KCSB playing out of the rooms below you (*shudder*) – what could be worse than that? Overall dankness is equivalent to the polar opposite of a giant Chancellor Yang taking a dab out of Storke Tower.
Keep these in mind as the places you definitely want to avoid next time you need to rip a fat one on your way to class. However, if you absolutely must, the bright side to these shitty spots is that smoking weed is like having sex – even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.
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