Sure, every once in a while you’ll have a sexual encounter at UCSB that won’t make you want to gouge your eyes out. That’s all good and well, but there’s no chance in France you’ll ever have sex that even comes close to being as memorable as any of these delicacies from Trader Joe’s.
6.) Boxed Shells and White Cheddar Macaroni vs. Drunken Frat House Encounter:
To be fair, box mac-n-cheese as a general food group is only as good as your level of desperation and/or intoxication. But it is quick, easy, and nobody judges you that much when you eat the whole box yourself. A drunken frat house hookup, on the other hand, comes with much more regret the next morning. Not only do you have to walk home through IV in last night’s clothing knowing full well that he will never text you, but if he was even able to get it up at all the sex likely consisted of several thrusts and a grunt followed by snores. Since Trader Joe’s macaroni costs $1.29/box and the average price of a condom is $1.33, you’ll even save $0.04! You’re welcome.
5.) Tandoori Naan vs. Second Date with Boy Who Super-liked You on Tinder:
Naan is a delicious and versatile food, paired well with everything from hummus to soup, but admittedly, Trader Joe’s isn’t the best place to go for authentic Indian flavor-blasting of your taste buds. And quite similarly, Tinder isn’t the best place to go for pleasure-blasting of your sex buds. Just because he superliked you and paid for your chai tea latte doesn’t mean he will rock your world like he said he would. Seriously, if he goes to SBCC and is trolling tinder, he’s not worth it. Message him “nah” and treat yo’self to some naan.
4.) Mandarin Orange Chicken vs. Floormate You’ve Been Flirting with in the Dorm Laundry Room All Year:
This frozen chicken addition will truly improve your physical condition! It takes about 8 minutes to make, which is about as much time as you’ve spent talking to this guy when you total up your various laundry-loading encounters. When you finally get drunk enough to look at all the nametags until you figure out which is his room and make your move, you’ll realize quickly that the sexual tension you felt while he folded his socks and you tried to shield your granny panties from view was pretty much all in your head. The tangy sweet sauce of TJ’s Orange Chicken won’t let you down like that. There will be much more sweet release from the chicken in your mouth than his tongue, take my word for it.
3.) Sweet Potato Gnocchi with Butter and Sage vs. Longtime Friend from Home You Made Out with in High School:
The good news is that this sexual tension was real, the bad news is that unlike Sweet Potato Gnocchi, hometown honeys aren’t consistent. You’ll both secretly think that the other got chubby and even though you’d always wanted to finally do it, it probably won’t live up to the hype. But since he’s your friend, and he has a high school hottie reputation to maintain, he will at least make an effort to satisfy you, unlike the selfish studs of UCSB. Butter and Sage aromas in the air or strange intercourse with old friends? Take your pick.
2.) Bacon Cheddar Ranch Dip vs. “He’s my bae but not my boyfriend.”:
This is arguably the best dip ever made, perfect for chips and football or late-night drunkenly licking it straight off the spoon. But you can’t wolf down stuff like that in front of the hot guy you’ve been hanging out with who believed you when you said your body was a temple. If he were your boyfriend he’d know the real you, but you have to hold back the crazy until you trap him, and unfortunately that means no bacon cheddar ranch dip for you. The sex is actually not God-awful, so maybe the tradeoff is worth it. But don’t be surprised when you’re chowing down on his half-chub and wishing you were chowing down on a half-tub of this dip. No matter how good he is and how proud you are that he instagrammed a picture of you, he’s not as good as TJs Bacon Cheddar Ranch Dip. Don’t lie to yourself.
1.) Cookie Butter Sandwich Cookies vs. Honeymoon Night with Your Future Spouse:
Granted we haven’t had our first night of marital coitus yet, and if you have you probably shouldn’t be reading this article. But we imagine it will be movie-worthy love-making – Marvin Gaye playing in the background, passionate undressing of your partner, and falling asleep afterwards as if there were magically no need for cleanup after such messy mischievousness. And yet, if you’ve ever tasted the ecstasy that is Cookie Butter Sandwich Cookies, you know that even the best night of your lame sexual life would likely be better spent eating them.
Maybe if there was cookie butter or garlic naan incorporated into intercourse we would reconsider, but until then, these tasty tycoons of all TJ’s products will continue to trample sex by the standards of physical and emotional satisfaction.