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7 (Drunk) Olympic Events UCSB Would Win Every Gold In

UCSB is a campus that isn’t exactly known for its athletic prowess, but receives more recognition for the fun it has off the field (See: 4:20 tortilla toss at Harder Stadium). With this in mind, here are seven additional intramural sports that would give UCSB students a sense of accomplishment AND a good buzz:

7.) Nudie Track and Field:
Remember when you sunk your own teammate at the Deltopia Beer Die Fest? Yeah, everybody on DP recalls that unshaven disaster. Thankfully, we’ve come up with a sport to make up for it with a full schedule of buttnaked races through IV. Gauchos can look forward to competing in the sprint from 65 DP to 68, hurdling over passed out Sorority girls, and high jumping the fences of the frat houses that always stop you at the door.

2.) Gaucho Ball:
The iconic Gaucho ball is a perfect outlet for UCSB’s notoriously fearsome yet relaxed competitiveness. Bounce that ping pong pong ball until you’re literally the last one standing, and as long as you avoid that beautiful concoction known as the Bitch Cup, you’re on your way to win.

5.) Keg Stand Gymnastics:
You’ve done a keg stand, so now let’s add some flavor to it. Each athlete begins in the keg stand formation, and then must perform a series of backflips to be scored out of 10 by the panel of expert drunk judges. Judges will include Mark from Sig Pi, Ashley from APhi and Marco, that “DJ” who graduated two years ago and only plays house music that nobody actually knows how to dance to.

4.) Drunk Speed Walk to DP:
So you’re stumbling around after a successful pregame, riding a killer buzz and ready to go out and throw it back. Just one problem: DP is over a mile away from where you live, and you gotta get there before the chick to dick ratio gets out of whack. This is when the power walking comes in. From DLG lawn to 65 DP, athletes will drunkenly power walk as fast as they can, hoping to beat the competition and win the heart of whatever frat guy they see first. Bonus points to any brave Gaucho willing to take the most dangerous shortcut across the cliffs.

3.) Dodge the Fixies:
You know the famous phrase, “If you can dodge a fixie, you can dodge a ball.” This sport lets you put that to the test. Athletes will stand in Pardall tunnel while a fleet of 70 fixies rides at them faster than a roided-out Lance Armstrong. Whichever athlete lasts the longest before being trampled like Mufasa wins.

2.) Carrying your drunk roommate back to FT:
After a hard night of partying with your lightweight friend, she’s gonzo and you’ve gotta get her home safe. The one problem is, she isn’t so lightweight anymore. You could order an uber but you have $4.33 in your bank account, so you decide to get walking. You and your partner put her arms around your shoulders and carry that dead weight all the way back to San Cat, hoping to make it before the 9 other racers with the same goal. Watch for DAs and RAs, though — getting caught is an automatic elimination.

1.) Shotgun Time Trials:
If you can chug a beer faster than all your friends, this is the sport for you. Each athlete will start shotgunning a can of Busch Light when the starter pistol sounds, and whoever finishes first wins. Puking is of course an automatic DQ, and the rounds of drinking continue until participants are so fucked up that they forget who won to begin with, at which point the match restarts.

UCSB students are full of many talents, and it is unfair that the school fails to recognize them. Isla Vista residents deserve to prove themselves in events that they know they can excel at. It seems only right that these sports get brought to UCSB Rec immediately to give all students a chance to be winners in sports that really matter.

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