Spring has sprung, and we all know what that means – it’s dumping season! As weather warms and people start doing things again, many Gauchos suddenly realize it’s time to dump their boyfriend, girlfriend or non-binary friend (who you should have dumped a very long time ago but they have a car and take you to Costco so let’s ride this one out). Here are some spring cleaning suggestions for how to lose your winter cuff:
7.) Tell them you’re studying abroad and then just do your own thing:
This idea is best used at the beginning or end of a quarter because we have yet to find any programs that will whisk you off to Germany in week 4. Simply tell them you’re leaving to study abroad to whichever country you choose and for however long you choose. A quarter? A year? 4 years? 10? Say that long distance will not work because, let’s face it, it didn’t with your high school bf and you cared way more about that relationship than you this one. Then just continue on with your life and hope you do not run into him or her.
6.) Have them catch you masturbating to a Donald Trump speech:
Do this at a random in the middle of the day. It will be a little difficult because unless you learned how to masturbate while watching Annoying Orange as a child, it’s very difficult to get a hard on with that thing spouting about how big his dick is. Of course he thinks it’s big. His little hands make everything big in comparison. This should be terribly horrifying to discover for your current SO and you should find yourself dumped within five minutes. Sweet! Now it’s time to pull up some real porn that she wouldn’t let you watch while you two were dating.
5.) Be honest and tell them there’s someone else:
Honesty is terribly hard to pull off in this day and age. Most people tend to just pull away and ghost but this will be refreshing to them. Just say you met someone else — the lovely and seductive Chancellor Yang. If you’ve gotten a high off of being honest you may continue to tell him about how he’s the most caring and gentle lover that you’ve had and that he actually knows where your clit is.
4.) As a frat guy, do something stone cold sober with them:
If you’re a frat guy, most of the time you spent with your significant other probably revolved (heavily) on alcohol. This time, take her out to eat or just generally be sober around each other. She’ll see who you really are in a sober light and will soon be gone along with your hoodie and all her little things she left around your apartment to mark her territory.
3.) Ask them to marry you:
Like condoms, this is effective 99% of the time. They will freak out and say that you’re smothering them or that they’re feminist and they do not want to be an object that you own. But there is always a risk that 1% will already have the wedding planned out and already practiced their surprised faces for when you’d pop the question. Absolutely do not use this on girls from Texas.
2.) Push them off a cliff:
There are cliffs everywhere. You can’t walk ten feet without finding one. Invite your cuff to come out to smoke a joint with a view. Once the joint is done (or at least while it’s in your hand), give them a good shove from the shoulders. Nothing solves your issues better than just physically shoving them away from you and not suffering any consequences whatsoever!
1.) Join CALPIRG:
This one is a bit risky because you’ll also lose your friends as well. Also, you’ll be seeing your ex all the time because you’re forbidden from leaving the Arbor. You’ll also forfeit being the winner of the break up because every time you see your ex you’ll be on your knees begging them for money.
Be sure to use these seven tried-and-true ways to shake your clingy cuff this Spring. If all else fails, don’t sweat it – just click your heels thrice while saying “Yang Daddy,” and he will rush to your aid.