Did your roommate recently meet with his violent demise? Do you have a reason to cover it up? Did you rig a bunk bed to collapse on his face? Poison his refried beans? Smother him in his sleep with the new pajamas his mom just sent him? If so, you should definitely consider hiding his corpse. But what kind of corpse-hider will you become? All corpse hiders must adopt an identity, a corpse-hiding style, per se, and they do so by choosing where to hide their corpse(s). The Black Sheep would like to help you do just that. Here are some ideas:
7.) The Labyrinth:
The preferred hiding spot of UCSB’s psychopath and Sudoku-lover populations, the UCSB Labyrinth is creepy enough as it is. Seriously, who put those stones up there, and why? The only way to make that easy ass maze any weirder is by adding a dead 20-year-old to the very middle.
6.) The Spot On the Beach Where the Waves Break:
This is a good spot to hide your dead roommate if the desired effect is local or even national news coverage. The stations love nothing more than to begin a morning news real with live footage of your roommate’s corpse being battered by the relentless Santa Barbara surf. Trust us.
5.) The Middle of DP:
Looking to stir up panic and mass fear on a Friday night? Deposit your dead roommate on DP at 9 p.m. The shrieks of hundreds of students as they come across your dead roommate on their way to a party are sure to create the exact amount of chaos desired by someone who wants to get caught badly enough to hide a dead roommate in the middle of the area’s most walked street.
4.) Portola Fridge:
The refrigerator at the Portola Dining Commons is already filled with other people’s dead roommates making it a great place to hide yours if getting caught is your idea of a bad thing. To each his own.
3.) A Theta Girl’s Backpack:
Ever seen a Theta girl with one of those blue and white backpacks with the heart on it? Ever seen one open it? Exactly. A good strategy for people who sit behind a Theta girl in class and have recently killed their roommate.
2.) A Box Disguised as Freebirds Nachos:
Are you the kind of person who finds it funny to feed your dead roommate to your other friends? Chop him up, season him Mexicano style, and sprinkle him over some nachos that you oh so kindly grabbed your friend on your way home from class. This popular method is always good for a laugh or two.
1.) The Lagoon:
Last but certainly not least, the lagoon is a classic dead roommate depository. “What’s that floating in the middle of the lagoon?” they’ll ask. “Is it a log? A long turtle? A thick snake?” Nope. That’s your dead roommate marinating in a glorified swamp.
Now remember, at UCSB we’re not animals. When we kill our roommates, we don’t just let them lay around our rooms like those heathens in SLO. Do what is expected of a Gaucho. Do the right thing. Hide that corpse, G-dangit! Good luck, and hopefully these ideas are enough to get you started on hiding that rotting corpse you’ve got in your closet.
* The Black Sheep does not endorse the killing and hiding of roommates. *