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7 Rotten Things You’ll Find at the Bottom of the Campus Lagoon

The UCSB Campus Lagoon might as well be an unnatural Wonder of the World: the murky water brings intrigue, and the smell alone will shave a couple of minutes off your life. However, there are things in this rotten body of water that are kept all but hidden from the public. Here are seven things you can expect to find at the bottom of the Campus Lagoon:

7.) Your dignity:
Please come and claim it. Your hangover has faded and you must now retrieve what little self-respect you have remaining.

6.) A fat nug:
They’re everywhere, man. You can’t walk five feet on this campus without tripping over someone’s weed-related paraphernalia, and the Campus Lagoon is certainly no exception.

5.) A full bottle of New Amsterdam:
What’s worse—New Amsterdam or Lagoon water? Either way you’ll need a chaser. Maybe you could drink the lagoon water and then use the New Amsterdam to disinfect your mouth, or save the trouble and just eat rat poison instead.

4.) A new breed of man:
In 1983, a young man swam deep into the Campus Lagoon never to be found again. Little did we know that the sludge at the bottom attached itself to his body, and he now breathes under water, swims like a shark, and boasts an odor that would make a skunk blush. Imagine what happens to Chris Evans in Captain America but instead of becoming muscular and handsome, he becomes a smelly, weird-looking abomination. This is what the government doesn’t want you to know about.

3.) Chancellor Yang’s secret underground lair:
Hidden at the very bottom of the Campus Lagoon statue in the shape of the Gaucho’s head. The rumor is that the mouth opens and leads to an underground bunker for the king of UCSB himself, Chancellor Yang. The lair is said to have been built in the 80s, but the chancellor has since renovated it for him and his wife. They’ve installed a bowling alley, a garage to house their leisure submarines, a Cheesecake Factory, and a secret elevator to the new Starbucks in the Ucen—the Chancellor loves his frappucinos.

2.) A haunted beach cruiser:
Hm, maybe the Lagoon is just full of dead bodies. In the early 1990s, a student was riding her beach cruiser so slowly that she died of old age when she finally arrived at Campbell Hall. After her death, fellow students didn’t know what to do with the bike, so they dumped it in the Campus Lagoon, hoping that the ocean would take it away. However, it stayed there, and her spirit is trapped in the uncomfortable, crotch-invading seat of the bicycle. BEWARE! 

1.) A plastic water bottle:
Really? You couldn’t have just thrown that in the recycling? Like, we understand the weird mutated people being in the Lagoon, but you’re putting plastic in there? Let’s be more environmentally friendly next time. Just try and buy yourself a Camelbak, you clown!

Where else will you get a comprehensive report of the natural wonders found at the bottom of our lovely campus biohazard? Nowhere, that’s where! So stop looking! Here’s hoping the military finds some way to contain and weaponize its noxious fumes, or at least get high off them.

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