Unless you were a practicing Mormon or lived in a bush during your freshman year, you went to a bare minimum of four sessions of the College Alcohol and Substance Education program. Here’s a list of kids that you definitely met there.
7.) The “I Shouldn’t Have Gotten Written Up” Kid:
Could be a guy, a girl, or one of each (in which case they definitely got written up together). These kids thinks they shouldn’t have gotten written up despite blasting “Gold Digger” at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday and throwing up on the R.A.’s shoes. They won’t stop reiterating how bad drinking is for your liver and how they would never try it. Seems kind of panicky.
6.) The “Way Worse Than Me” Kid:
This guy is addicted to 17 different hallucinogens and just went to the bathroom to dab. He says he can fasho sell you Addy for $2 a pop because they “don’t work on him anymore,” before he goes on to assert that your eyes are tadpoles.
5.) The “I Ain’t Changin’ A Thang” Kid:
Sent to CASE for: Drunken, indecent exposure. This guy is humongous, drinks a lot of beer, does a lot of coke, and he ain’t changin’ a thang. After downing 24 beers in 2 hours, Colton got butt naked and sprinted down DP singing Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run” before getting triple-team tackled by the PoPo. Knocked a couple of CSOs off of their bikes in the process.
4.) The Alpha Phi Girl:
Chastity got sent to CASE for hanging onto a police officer’s junk for support while throwing up on his glock. She blew 3 members of the Residential Housing Judicial Committee trying to get out of CASE to no avail. She hasn’t done a single CASE assignment but she thinks that she’s flirting her way out of it with the group leader. Everyone else thinks this is pretty funny because she’s the only one who can’t tell just how gay the group leader is.
3.) Lu Sung Moon:
Lu Sung is an international student who continues to grapple with the ins and outs of the English language. Lu has never been intoxicated. Rather, Lu was unsure of how to respond when an R.A. discovered that Lu’s roommates were drinking with Lu in the room. Lu is generally characterized by uncertainty and fails to make meaningful contributions to the group discussion.
Jeremy got drunk, a little too loud, and got written up. It happens. If he can avoid taking dumps in the girls’ bathroom sink in the future, he should be just fine.
1.) The Group Leader:
The group leader is not a kid, but rather an authoritative figure who deserves your respect. He asks you to tell him what you did last week, you say you went to the beach, and he asks you how that made you feel. He makes you feel warm inside. He makes you feel safe.
Like this article and want to be a part of our hilarious and very very good looking writing staff?