Each year UCSB and Cal Poly play a soccer game at Harder Stadium, and each year we win or lose or tie the game. But not this year. This year we will win the game! Due to this fact, you have to know exactly how to celebrate appropriately when we score a goal. Key word: appropriately. Every year someone thinks it’s funny to get all oiled up and naked and run onto the field and wrestle with the CSO’s, but we have news for you: it is pretty funny. Unfortunately, it is also highly illegal and oiling yourself up takes a couple hours, especially if it’s good oil. So here are some oil-free ways to celebrate a goal against SLO without getting naked:
7.) Stomp Your Feet and Yell “Victory!”:
This celebration is versatile and intimidating, as it lets your opponent know two things: you got loud feet and your team is likely to conquer theirs. Nothing readies a team for defeat like shouting “Victory!” right at their fans. Be careful though: if you shout too loudly they might start pouting. An added plus is that you do not have to be butt-ass naked to do this.
6.) Get All Wound Up:
Getting all wound up is a great way to celebrate anything. I have celebrated stuff by getting all wound up countless times, like when my mom told me to stop eating Doritos on the couch, when my dad told me to stop eating Doritos in the shower, and the time I killed a man. Getting all wound up will serve you well in all kinds of situations and you only have to get naked if you get Dorito cheese or blood on your clothing.
5.) Tell the SLO Fans that their Team is Doing Its Best
Nothing is more frustrating than getting told your team is giving its all out there when they are losing by multiple points. Unless you want to demonstrate your nipples to them, there is no need to remove any articles of clothing when performing this celebration. Last year, I had not yet learned about this one, and instead got totally tits out in the stands and told people to throw tortillas at my big white booty. I was the only person who did that.
4.) Eat their Mother’s Cooking and then Tell them it Wasn’t Even that Good:
By commuting to the rival fans houses, eating their mother’s most prized dish of macaroni and eggs, and then telling the fans it could have used less egg, you are being very mean to the other team. By being mean you let them know that you are really not that nice, and also that if SLO wins you might just smoke their daddy’s cigarettes and then cough. Unless you are having sex with the fans’ mom, being naked is not required in this scenario.
3.) Create an Unflattering Portrait of them and Mail it to their Crush:
By sexually sabotaging them in the wickedest of ways, you assert your total control over the result of the soccer game. If SLO fans think they can come into Harder Stadium and not have pictures of them with big lips and ear hair sent to the person they like, then they got another thing comin’.
2.) Fart in Every Frat House on Cal Poly’s Campus:
Wow, you’re a real ruffian if you do this! All you have to do once we score is acquire a car, buy gas for said car because the last person to use it was inconsiderate, drive halfway to SLO, remember to get out and pee at the halfway point, then go to frat row on SLO’s campus, befriend The Brothers, earn their trust, conform to the group dynamic that is dominant at each chapter, seduce the President, and let ‘er rip right in the living room. The Brothers will not like this, but you don’t care because we’re winning in the big rivalry game!
1.) Streak onto the Field and Rub Your Big Balls or Labia All Over SLO’s Goalkeeper:
For all the freshmen out there: this is a yearly tradition at every Cal Poly game. Simply select the member of your group with the largest balls or labia, and send them on their merry way!
So these are the best ways to celebrate a Gaucho goal this Saturday. And remember: if you’re getting naked and throwing tortillas at your own butt, you’re probably doing it wrong.