Most of us dumb ones who actually go to class have to walk through the Arbor at some point to get there. Of course we can never walk peacefully through while looking at our phones — people have to spread the religion of their business frat and cringey improv shows and the best way to do that is, for some reason, through physical flyers. Solicitors in the Arbor do not deserve to be treated like humans, so here are eight ways you should talk to those things.
8.) I already voted!:
These three words render you useless to them, so they’ll immediately move on. Even when you didn’t, just say it and they’ll slither away. You can carry on being an unproductive member of society, and they’ll get some miserable sap to sign up for whatever they were voting for.
7.) Already got one!:
This works for a second but the people usually realize they just printed these flyers ten minutes ago. If they start to argue, saying “There’s no way you got one before ten minutes ago because they didn’t exist!” it’ll be too late, because you’ll have already started sprinting away from them.
6.) Oh, shit. My wife just died.:
I tend to use this to end most conversations. Look down at your phone, look back at them, and drop this line. It gives a shock that makes people stop dead in their tracks. Done and done, and surely no karmic retribution will later kill your wife via a horrendous papercut accident a flyer-printing factory.
This might backfire and attract way more nerds, which in no one wants or has the time to talk to. Next thing you know, you’ll have the Harry Potter club on your ass, clinging to any visage of potential human connection.
4.) I support Nintendo!:
This one will only be effective on CALPIRG as they are always trying to save turtles. What do you get to do constantly in any Super Mario Bros. games? Smash the hell out of turtles! Your main enemy is a big-spiky turtle who’s just tryna steal your girl who is way out of your league. Actually way too much explanation, just tell them you already paid for it.
3.) I have shit my pants!:
No one wants to talk to you anymore, stinky-butt! Also, no one wants you as part of your business frat. You don’t seem very smart. You have trouble scheduling your shits for when you’re actually on a toilet.
2.) Relax, babydoll!:
These two words are super shitty, especially to women… but with men, they’ll be thrown so off guard at being dismissed and objectified all in one fell swoop they won’t know what to do. They’ll be frozen, and you can keep on keepin’ on.
1.) I don’t have to give your religion money! You beat up gays!:
There is a religious guy who keeps begging for money and when you say no, he will say something like “well it’s only loose change,” but his eyes will say “you’re a piece of shit.” Amateur hour over here. Your religion is so hypocritical. You beat up gays, go fuck ya’selves.
This is just a starter pack, but you can nevertheless run wild. The more vulgar and shocking, the better. Maybe insult them in their inner cores and make them question the value of existence.
Know anyone at one of these schools?
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired!
Penn State – $300 Referral Bounty
Indiana – $300 Bounty
NC State – $300 Bounty
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: