UCSB has lost its mojo. Serious tragedies are occurring on a yearly basis that are rapidly diminishing the UC school’s party reputation. As a result of some recent events such as the instigation of a midnight curfew, the hiring of a group of medieval knights to gallop in IV during Halloween, and even a sharp climb in academic rankings, things are looking pretty bad for California’s favorite party school. Things were better ten years ago when gas was cheaper and everyone was much more dumber. Here’s a list of eight more reasons why UCSB was better in the early 2000s.
8.) Cargo Shorts:
The combination of knee coverage and carrying capacity of this former fashion staple is simply unmatched by an item in the modern Gaucho’s wardrobe.
7.) 100% More NSYNC:
Even though some frats occasionally play “Bye, Bye, Bye” at the end of the night in their sad but cute attempt to be funny, there is no question that NSYNC was at least 3 or 4 percent more popular back when they were not all middle-aged.
6.) Everyone That Goes to UCSB Now Was a Child:
Ten years ago all of the students that now attend UCSB were full of childlike wonder and naïve amazement at the world and all its natural beauty. Now, most of them eat Kraft mac n’ cheese for breakfast and dinner and popcorn for lunch as they wait to graduate/die.
Yes it’s a cliché, but the riots ten years ago were so much better than the ones now. Today’s kids are always on their phones during riots. They don’t even remember the thrill of throwing new Wheelies on 2004 Honda Civics.
He was the best! And his sister, Sarah? Just the sweetest. Those were the days.
3.) You Could Say “Let’s go see the new Vince Vaughn movie” Without Looking Like a Complete and Utter Creep:
2.) You Didn’t Have to Lie to Your Parents When They Asked What You Were Learning:
Students these days always get asked tough questions by their parents like “How are your classes?” and “Are you an alcoholic?” Students a decade ago never got asked these questions because their parents already knew the answers: “Boring” and “Yes.”
1.) There Wasn’t That Weird Smell of Unwashed Raccoon Everywhere:
You can’t even leave your house without being overcome with the odor of raccoons who haven’t had a shower in days. Back in the early naughts, UCSB smelled like ocean air, flowers, and hair gel.
UCSB simply isn’t what it once was and hope for an improved future is dwindling. If only we could return to the good ol’ days.