The warm sand between your toes, the sound of waves crashing, the sun shining—there’s nothing quite like being at the beach. That is, unless you hate the beach. Luckily for you, several of our shut-in writers hate the beach too, so we whipped up eight tips on how to make the most of your beach experience:
Just complain. Throw a tantrum in the sand. Cry. Scream. Yell in anger. You know you’re only there because your friends convinced you to walk down there for the “hella dope sunset,” so make them eat their words and regret having ever taken you with them.
7.) Get wet:
Force yourself to walk into the ocean and get wet. Then you can tell your friends you’re cold and need to go home. Being wet and cold is never ideal, so your friends will completely understand why you don’t want to be there.
6.) Run home:
While your friends aren’t looking, just make a run for it. You may look weird, but you probably are weird and you did just get out of there as fast as you can. Kick up a cloud of sand like you’re a ninja throwing a smoke bomb and get THE HELL out of there.
5.) Get drunk:
It’s Isla Vista. Being drunk is almost a requirement of going to the beach. Shotgun a beer, take a shot, and shotgun another beer before you go, and you’ll be drunk enough to enjoy the cold Santa Barbara water and pungent ocean odor.
4.) Bring a joint:
If given the opportunity to only bring one thing to the beach, the obvious answer is “a joint.” So, bring that little roll of green fun with you and spark that little guy up while you’re there. It’ll make the whole experience more enjoyable. However, warning: don’t get too high. If you’re too high and walking, you’ll feel like you haven’t made any progress because all those damn cliffs look the same.
3.) Curse Poseidon and the ocean:
Bring your yelling voice with you and curse the god of the sea while you’re there. You shouldn’t expect anything to happen because nothing will happen, but it could potentially be therapeutic.
2.) Go back in time and prevent yourself from going:
Build a time machine—a working time machine that is—press whatever buttons you must press that make you go back in time, and leave threatening messages telling you to stay home or else. This is a foolproof way to stop your trip to the beach from ever taking place.
Walk into the ocean, lie on your back, and let yourself float away. Let the ocean take you where it takes you. Maybe you’ll end up on the Channel Islands, or maybe you’ll end up befriending a docile shark in need of companionship. Either way, you’ll be far, far away from any beach-related displeasure you may have been experiencing.
So you hate the beach and weirdly decided to come to a school that pretty much revolves around and exists upon a beach. That’s cool! The ocean sucks and is too big anyway, but hopefully global warming just makes it engulf humanity and the dolphins can finally take over. Until then, just get drunk and complain.
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