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8 of the Worst Things to do on Shrooms at UCSB

So you’re on shrooms. Dank. Shrooms are fun. You’re also at UCSB. Also dank. You’ve got the beach, a whole lotta sun, and generally limitless options of ways to have a grand ol’ time. However, there is definitely more than one way of ruining this experience here in IV. The last thing you want to do is order a dung beetle burger at IV Deli or “go watch the game” at the Goleta Amtrak station. Dung beetles don’t taste great and they don’t have the game on down at the station. Here are 8 other things to not do while on shrooms as a student at UCSB:

8.) Bury Yourself in Sand on the Beach:
Sure, it’s going to be pretty cool when you think the waves are your feet. But when the fox with the turtle shell comes back and he’s telling the same jokes as earlier, you’re going to regret being hopelessly immobile. Also, hiiiigghhhh tiiiiide brooooo.

7.) Put Your Roommate On the “Free/For Sale: Santa Barbara” Facebook Page:
As heavily as your carpet seems to be breathing, and as much as it seems to be your roommate’s fault, you really just shouldn’t put him/her on the free and for sale page. It goes against basic human rights, and no one’s gonna buy that fucker anyways.

6.) Cruise DP:
If you’ve never been afraid on a perilous quest, you will be while cruising DP after eating psychedelic mushrooms. You’ll question modern social customs, hide in bushes, and stare at peoples’ butts thinking they’re chocolate balloons. That, and you’ll just be generally stressed out since you forgot the answer to the question, “why is the who am from yesterday, tomorrow?”

5.) Ally Yourself with a Rabid Raccoon:
As convincing an argument as the raccoon makes, this will never be a great idea. Even though he seems genuinely trustworthy on the outside, on the inside there’s only self-interest and bags of old Cheetos. Rabid Raccoons seem like they’ll make powerful confederates for when you set up the fun later on, but usually they just end up ruining it by looking mean, foaming at their mouths, and being staunchly Pro-Israel.

4.) Go to an iLoveMakonnen Concert:
While the rest of your drunk friends are going up on a Tuesday, you’ll be too distracted by the talking flowers in the bathroom mirrors to dedicate your full attention to the concert. Additionally, the rapper’s gradual transformation from human to orc may just be too much for your shroomed-out mind to handle.

3.) Attend Office Hours:
Okay, so this one is pretty 50/50 because even though there’s a large chance that you get caught and expelled for doing this, there’s also a possibility that your enhanced brain capacity will produce a kind of Good Will Hunting-esque scene in which you teach your professor everything about all of it and he cries and says he wishes he was as smart as you and you haughtily tell him to “go get a real education” while tossing him an eighth of shrooms and exiting swiftly without telling him your name, perm number, or any other identifying information about yourself.

2.) Summon Cthulhu, Destroyer of Worlds and Husband to Darkness:
Even though summoning an immortal demon while on drugs seems hilarious before the trip, you will not be so amused in the moment. Though it will be funny afterwards when you realize Cthulhu was your sleeping buddy Michael, the summoning staff was his drumstick, and the tablet you banged on to wake Cthulhu was just Michael’s computer screen.

1.) Check Your Bank Account Balance:
A daunting task even when sober, checking one’s financial prospects becomes downright dangerous when on psilocybin. Additionally, walking into your bank and demanding that they show you where all the goblins went, then stating that “Gringotts looks so different than it used to” is confusing, borderline illegal behavior.

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