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Best Things to Tell Your Parents So They Don’t Think You Were Drunk the Entire Year


UCSB is consistently ranked one of the nation’s top party schools. As a result, your parental units may have a sneaking suspicion that you were just drunk all year long. Here are 8 things to tell your parents to prove to them that you did things besides drink this year:


8.) “I Worked Out!”

A good way to make your parents believe you were healthy and sober is to tell them you attended P.E.!


7.) “I Ate at the Dining Commons!”

What is the one thing all parents want to hear about when they see you for the first time in forever? All the food you ate without them.


6.) “I Performed a Private, Intimate Lute Solo for Legendary UCSB Alumnus Jack Johnson”

Tell your parents about all the new experiences you had in college while sharing bathrooms, living with roommates, and giving virtuoso performances to the great Mr. Johnson using only a lute. Tell them how the writer of the Curious George movie soundtrack laughed gaily after your laudable lute recital before he took a cautious sip of wine and whispered “encore” loud enough for you, and you alone, to hear.


5.) “I Designed and Formulated a Budget!”

Parents love to hear about your budding financial independence!


4.) “I Broke my Budget the Same Day I Made It by Purchasing a Historically Significant Lute to Serenade the Singer/Songwriter and Former Gaucho, Jackson Johnson.”

Let the most important people in your life know how hard it is to keep to a budget when Jack Johnson won’t stop leaving voicemails that say “I need you to acquire the Germanic lute they used to behead Joan of Arc and bring it to my current residence while my children and wife sleep soundly so I may listen to you play it.”


3.) “I Learned Several Different Things!”

Telling your parents that you learned is a good way to make them think you weren’t drunk. Say to your parents “Parents, I learned this year. I learned about everything. I now know about Whales, gravity, and John Stamos.”


2.) “I Managed to Seduce Every Major Department Head Using a Medieval-Style Lute that I Originally Bought for the Sole Purpose of Entertaining the Man Who Wrote ‘Banana Pancakes’”

Let the people who gave you life know all about your illustrious sexual exploits seducing the deans of all the departments, from dean Steven Gaines (Bren School of Environmental Studies), to Interim Co-Dean Mary Betsy Brenner (Gervitz Graduate School of Education), all the way to the illustrious and sensual Chancellor Yang (Emperor/Deity).


1.) “I Got a Girlfriend!”

And promptly lost her due to what she claimed was “an unhealthy desire to play a lute for an audience of one that includes every SB student’s favorite musician, Jack Johnson.”



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