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UCSB Immediately Regrets Blacking Out Right Before Finals

ISLA VISTA — UC Santa Barbara woke up this morning to destruction — burned couches, dumpsters, relationships, the usual. The blackout, according to the university, was “by no means intended or planned,” but instead a wicked combination of too much stress and “flame trees, if you know what I mean.” 

“Godddddddammmittt,” the university said, rubbing its temples early this morning. “Why do I do this? Like no, someone tell me why,” the university asked an empty room as it blankly stared at a campus full of scorched couches and people everywhere talking about the “hilarious” things it did the night prior.

“Ughhhfuuuckkk I have so much shit to do. You don’t even know, and now I’m like, dealing with all this shit… I need to be studying, blacking out isn’t what I’m paying for here, yano?” a disheveled UCSB commented. “First it was like, hey, maybe just a quick nip to loosen things up before the real studying begins. Just get it out of the way… but nope. I had to go and full on blackout for like two hours. Ugh.” 

Whether the university will treat this as a lesson learned and hit the books “extra hard, like so hard” or just continue blacking out until there are serious repercussions on its future are yet to be seen. But The Black Sheep has faith in our beloved university, it’ll pull through, it always does. 

Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast with Twitter’s @Rad_Milk! 

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