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UCSB Declares Turf War on Campus Drug Dealers in Anticipation of Lifted California Cannabis Laws

Chancellor Yang has announced that starting the first week of Winter Quarter, new UCPD zoning ordinances will require that the sale of drugs on campus property take place no more than 50 feet from any UCSB residence hall, and only in the presence of RAs specially trained to evaluate the substances for “safety and quality.” In what proponents of this measure are describing as a big win for family values and the safety of UC students and employees, a new branch of the Residence Hall Association, the RHA: Dankness Assurance Committee, will oversee all transactions involving substances and ensure that they occur in plain view of the pertinent authorities.

“Drugs not already available for purchase in residence hall vending machines must be sold in the designated areas within the designated times,” said San Miguel and San Nicolas Resident Director Christina Nielsen, referring to the stipulation that business happen between midnight and 5 a.m., “so as not to interfere with their studies.”

“Most importantly, we’re concerned about keeping our students safe,” she continued, “and keeping that cheap shit out of here. To that end, RAs will spend the upcoming winter break in three weeks of intensive training preparing them to evaluate all intoxicants that enter the dorms for Chancellor Yang’s personal standards of quality and value.” Yang confirmed that the goal of this policy is to provide students the most “bang for their buck.”

However, local Isla Vista drug dealers have expressed outrage at the new regulations. One DP-based entrepreneur who spoke to The Black Sheep on the condition of anonymity calls it a “Transparent ploy [for UCSB] to skim off the top. They’ve been using the RAs and police to pull this shit for years,” he said, inviting skeptics to check the “undoubtedly” hotboxed IV Foot Patrol evidence locker for themselves.

UCSB professors have been outspoken in their opposition as well. Professor and Art Department Chair Kip Fulbeck started a petition and citizens’ group in protest, saying: “We used to be able to sell in classrooms, lecture halls, office hours, pretty much anywhere. But now they’re trying to shut down the free market on campus,” he continued, condemning the “invisible hand of Chancellor Yang.”

Similarly, TAs whose offices are located in Phelps Hall have deemed it a “total bummer” to have to make the trek all the way across campus to peddle their wares. “Why even have office hours?” said Anth 2 TA Natasha Bettinger. “I might as well work from the San Miguel front desk, where there are actually students.”

At press time, Chancellor Yang had reassured community members that despite these new restrictions on the sale of illicit substances, students and faculty will of course still be allowed consume them “anytime, anyway, and anywhere they want.”

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