Upon viewing the Facebook of the incoming class of 2022, which consists mostly of thirsty ass attention hoes, Chancellor Yang now regrets his choices in which freshmen he has chosen to attend our *highest* and most righteous of colleges. He knows that he has let in people who are unworthy, but now it’s too late to unmake those decisions and uninvite those students. In order to correct his wrongs, he has decided a new path for the incoming freshmen: slaves to the upperclassmen.
The students will obviously have plenty of time to take Chem 1A (and still fail it) and also get their usual freshmen crush on professor Daniel Luna of Dinosaurs. But along with their usual freshmen responsibilities, they will also be assigned an upperclassman of the same major to do their homework.
Obviously there are some extra technicalities to this, such as there being over 10,000 incoming biology majors to take care of the 30 upperclassmen who still haven’t left the biology major because they’re too much of a pussy to take on their parents’ beatings for a month. Overflow of freshmen biology majors will be assigned to majors that are most in need of servants, such as geography and history.
On top of this, the slaves will also be taking on the role of housewives (or house-spouse) for the upperclassmen. Their chores will include doing laundry along with folding the clothes and ironing dress clothes. The new off-campus meal plan will consist of three square meals cooked a day by your new house slave.
Cleaning of course is also included in the agreement. Homes will be cleaned by the slave once a week (which is about 300 times more than any other house in Isla Vista has ever been cleaned) or after each party in the house.
Slaves are also deemed the new party moms. The fun never has to stop when it’s now your slaves’ job to watch out for your friends who get too drunk and need water and a back rub. Slaves will always be a ready DD so that your loser friend Danny is now allowed to join in on the fun instead of always being tricked into carting your drunk asses home.
With all of the freshmen living in the homes of their upperclassmen in Isla Vista, this leaves an entire set of dorms completely empty for the upcoming year. When Chancellor Yang was questioned of what would happen to all the open living space, he admitted that it was going to be unveiled as the new “Gaucho-boy Mansion” Complete with a bouncy house, hot tub, foam pit and chocolate fountain for all those chocolate-covered needs.
Unveiling of the “Gaucho-boy Mansion” will be delayed until November due to unforeseen difficulties in finding participants. Sources did confirm, however, that the Thanksgiving turkey won’t be the only one getting stuffed that night.
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