Local guitar player and communication major Danny Clapperton found himself the belle of the ball at a recent open mic at the Coffee Collab, Isla Vista’s favorite hip coffee shop when Starbucks is closed. The self-taught “musician” decided he would share his talents with the humble citizens of Isla Vista after enduring over an hour of “Wonderwall” covers and distasteful dick jokes masquerading as stand up comedy. Then the time came and our local star took his rightful place on stage.
“My guitar was kinda going out of tune 20 minutes into my twist on Green Day’s ‘Jesus of Suburbia,’ but I think the homies dug it so it’s gonna be my thing,” he told us, giving insight into the creative process that birthed this masterpiece. Asked about his upcoming world tour, which he posted as his Facebook status after the mic, Clapperton explained that it will be billed as “The Danny Experience” because “a lot of girls will be getting to experience the Danny.”
“That’s also why it’s a world tour, because I like a little variety in my ladies,” he added, further regaling reporters with tour details showcasing his generosity and appreciation for his fans: “I’m going to start my trip up North in whatever’s above Cali because those chicks probs don’t get enough love, but after that, I’m hopping the border to Canada to spread some Danny Apple Seeds.”
Besides sampling their delicious bacon and syrup, Clapperton has other reasons for taking on the big north: “I just love the way they say ‘sorry’. Can’t get enough of that in the bedroom.”
Danny further elaborated that he had never in his playing experience elicited such a strong, raw, emotional reaction from the crowd. Said one audience member: “I just clapped because the song ended and that’s what you do, right?” Asked for further comment, he said: “Can you please stop talking to me now? I’m trying to study for my midterm.”
“I mean, I stopped in with my girlfriends because my gal pal Taryna wanted to share some poem she wrote about this guy who did a hump and dump on her over the weekend, and we were voting on the cutest guys here and the dude with the guitar didn’t even make top five which is funny cause there are only four guys here,” said another, friendlier viewer, pausing for breath before finally getting around to answering our question. “But as soon as he started playing my favorite song from my middle school emo phase, I just couldn’t take my eyes off those nimble fingers,” Michelle says. Asked for clarification, Michelle said that readers can find out more on her Instagram @TheHotThot.
Reporters on the scene observed a total of three audience members applaud the performance, which Danny said was “way more successful” than he intended. “I didn’t know that I’d already have more fans than I could count,” he continued, “not to mention the silent standing ovation that followed.”
You can expect to see “The Danny Experience” in venues that reply to him via Facebook Messenger and pay him in beer. Tickets will be estimated at $20 and free for women (no fatties!).
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