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Cubs Fans Waited 108 Years for World Series Win, But I’m Still Waiting for My SBMenus Order


Wow. It finally happened. The Cubs of Chicago have taken home baseball’s biggest prize: a world championship. The last time they won the World Series was in 1908, and the president was white. Times have changed, man. It’s been a wild and crazy ride for Cubs fans over the last century, but one thing is for sure: SBMenus still hasn’t delivered my buffalo chicken cheese fries that I ordered over a week ago.

I get it, countless Chicago natives have lived and died without seeing their team win America’s baseball championship. But I’m going to die too if this delivery man doesn’t come in the next five minutes. I have not eaten since I ordered, as I was preparing myself to be of maximum hunger when the fries finally arrived. Since I ordered I have lost five pounds, cried three times, and pooped myself once.

As happy as I am for the city of Chicago and all of its inhabitants, I think that everyone has different problems in life and mine is that I am severely malnourished due to the fact that it took five days for IV Deli to even begin preparing my food, and two days for me to learn enough Spanish to give clear directions over the phone.

Look, it’s an incredible accomplishment to come back from a 3-1 deficit against one of the best baseball teams on the planet, and you have to give the Cubs some credit for their resilience and bravery in the face of overwhelming odds. And then right when they were mere innings away from ending a five-score and eight-year drought, there was a rain delay of ten or more minutes. Ten minutes in which I could have easily boarded or biked to Hana Kitchen and finished a meal. What a hoot! I mean I have no idea what they could possibly be up to that would take them hours to make a two-minute bike ride. Probably Pokémon Go.

The Cubs win was a historic moment- truly iconic. We will all be dead by the time a drought that long is broken again. But honestly, I could have ordered my delicious buffalo chicken cheese fries during their last World Series victory and they probably still wouldn’t have gotten here by now.

I mean, c’mon SBMenus. What does a guy have to do around here to get some fries? Do I have to get them myself? Wow. Not in this lifetime. I have money, you have a guy with a bike. My belly should be full right now. This is really just unprofessional. That’s why I’m hereby issuing a new curse: Chicago’s Wrigley Field team will not champion baseball again until I get my SBMenus. Your move, Cubs fans. And suck eggs, SBMenus.

No, you can’t use shacking to justify being “technically homeless.”

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