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Cuntspiracy: Ellison Hall Cuntstruction Not Actually About Remodeling At All

If you’re somehow not aware, CUNTstruction is going down and seemingly never ending in Ellison Hall this quarter. The hall has freely opened its doors, allowing in a slew of construction workers, and with them an onslaught of deafening, ceaseless drilling. The noise has led to complaints from students, who are just trying to learn about maps and how useful geography is without getting jackhammered in the ears.

Although the classrooms have been getting closer and closer to achieving that “simplistic, open and modern look,” it turns out actual remodeling wasn’t the purpose of Ellison construction at all. 

In fact, The Black Sheep recently learned the program was started by the Geography department itself, in an attempt to expand interests in Geography classes and convince more people to join the major. We’ve all seen their previous and ongoing attempts at gaining followers through Digiknows in the dining commons. They say things like:

“I battle tumbleweeds [and am all too lonely in this desert]. I am a Geographer.”

And “I make maps of the indoors [for people who get lost easily]. I am a Geographer.”

Those previous ad campaigns increased interest in the Geography Department by 20%, boosting overall enrollment by upwards of three students.

“We expanded our advertising and audience to allow literally anyone to attend any classes in Ellison Hall,” a Geography Department head was overheard screaming over some jackhammers. “It hasn’t really ‘worked’ per se, except for one construction crew caught a glimpse of the hole-digging field trip during Soil Science 114A. Now they’re officially enrolled for another year!”

As more and more construction workers take up UCSB geography classes to “learn about the tectonic plates that they penetrate,” they’ve become a welcome addition to the classroom aside from their incessant cuntstructioning.

“I’m up there trying to teach,” one geography professor confessed. “But the goddamn workers find more and more things wrong with the classroom that they need to fix right then and there, because they won’t be able to rest until it is done.” The professor sighed before looking out at scaffolding blocking the view out a window. “Every sentence is interrupted by deafening, long, wet fart noises that chip away mere millimeters of drywall. “

On construction worker in Soil Science 114A had a rebuttal: “Ya I seen a lot a problems with this buildin, it’s a real piece of shit yano? We drilled holes for them beams over there, and next thin yano it’s only thing that we’ve done for each classroom so far.” 

TAs begged them to postpone their work until the end of class, but their only reply is “Don’t worry about it. We’ve only got eight more holes to drill until we’re one step closer to achieving that open concept.” And then they continue working.

The Geography department has asked their professors to make their lesson slides more visual so that this may not impede learning, and the department is looking forward to their improved classrooms in 3-5 years!

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