Any veteran of the Santa Catalina towers knows the sweet solace of the familiar, albeit unpalatable old Portola Dining commons. The blue and white walls of this now-closed establishment lie in the shadow of its bulky, glass-laden replacement where freshmen residents of FT hobble around too fucked up from hot-boxing their bathroom to realize the suspicious behavior transpiring within the thick center walls of this seemingly unsuspecting slop trough.
As the #1 Investigative Team for Journalism and Other Things here at UCSB, our suspicions were raised when the images revealed shocking amounts of stockpiled liquids. As we dug deeper, we came across a Portola employee, who will remain unnamed for no reason in particular, who obtained photographic evidence of the Yang Gang Bangs that take place beyond these walls. Reader beware, anything beyond this point may be a little NSFL.
Caged behind impenetrable bars are a group of calorically dense beverages that let’s just say are not fit for the breed of existentially-dreadful freshmen who slave away inside the new Fortola.
This evidence would suggest that whoever is planning on using this fluid reserve is either anticipating another Thomas Fire or a disastrous night out in IV, both of which would induce a massive and unwelcome blackout. Regardless, whoever ingests anything from this Slumdog Sommelier’s wet dream is looking to lubricate more than just their emotions.
Furthermore, studies show that 87% of freshmen forget that fruits are a food group, of which the dining services are well aware. By putting out bruised bananas, oranges past their prime, and tooth-grabbing apples, the fruits of dining commons are not exactly a point of strength at our university. As a result, the inclusion of an area of for a stockpile of “pretentious fruits” caught our eye, as most freshman understand only the pretentious part of that description. Why would Portola need wine and fruit fit for a king… or should we say chancellor? Turns out, the answer is quite mind-shatteringly sexual.
Our answer came when we found an opened box of olive oil. Our insider said that it, along with the fruit and alcohol, disappeared during the Thomas Fire and magically re-appeared when Chancellor Yang finally published his report on the Thomas Fire. When the olive oil was moved back to its regular stockroom spot, it was purported that it was brought back from a secret location revealed by a DH button in Portola’s elevator, which obviously takes guests to the Dong Huffing floor.
This area under Portola’s center kitchen is actually where Chancellor Yang teaches his course in human sex to his close group of regents and deans. Under the cover of disaster, this banging bunker provides the university higher-ups with a place to get greased up and pretentious fruity in the safety of university property. The choice of Portola as its location was probably its easy entry from the rear, which makes it easy to slip in and out of its cracks with little resistance. The olive oil is the only thing extra virgin about this brothel.
So the next time you pop into Portola, be sure to get a taste of what you now know is REALLY in the Horchata.
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