In addition to being a top ranked public education, home to numerous Nobel Laureates, and an unbeatable beach, UCSB boasts the single most vibrant, award-winning sex life of any university on the planet. Just one walk through Isla Vista, aka the land of eternal summer, and you’ll see for yourself the booze, booty shorts, and beach bonanzas that make sexual encounters in this paradise a one-of-a-kind experience. Naturally, if this is your first time bedding an Isla Vista man or maiden, you’re going to have some questions. Luckily, we’ve answered them for you — here are the seven surprise benefits of boning a Gaucho:
7.) No need to get tested:
IV’s main export is our signature super-strain of gonnaherpesyphilis, an STD so powerful it can be contracted just by saying its name out loud. While this does mean that everyone in the 93117 zip code is technically infected, we look at it as never having to get tested, and therefore *always* going in bareback. That tingle in your tip is just enhanced fornication sensation!
6.) Just the right amount of stamina:
With the strict 12 a.m. weekend noise ordinance, Gauchos certainly don’t have any unreasonable expectations of going all night long for parties, let alone for pleasure. You’ll be able to enjoy a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am and then nut and run right at the stroke of midnight.
5.) Gaucho is Spanish for “Sweet Piece of Ass”:
Keep this in mind not only in IV, but also for your international travels – any self-respecting Spanish speaker from anywhere in the world would have to be deaf not to respond to the universal mating call of “Olé, Gaucho, Olé!” Either that or they’re expecting you to start flinging tortillas and shouting “Four-twentyyyy!”
4.) That extra beachy crunch:
Among our myriad gifts here is the ability to get sand in your ass even when you weren’t having sex anywhere near the beach. It makes every lay, be it on a towel, mattress, carseat, or lawn, that much more special when you’re bringing home a scratchy souvenir of that paradise of sand.
3.) The sand makes the crabs feel at home:
So you’ve gone out and gotten scabies. The good news is that the local crab community is alive and thriving here at UCSB, thanks in large part to the above-described condition of Sandius Crotchitus. Come on down to where you and your six-legged companions can cohabitate in harmony together.
2.) The postgame is just as fun as the pregame:
Gauchos are known for throwing tortillas when we score, and the post-coital victory lap is no exception. UCSB encourages students to celebrate every successful salad tossing with a traditional tortilla toss all over your partner.
1.) The Inexplicably Decomposing Lagoon:
God knows what the fuck crawled in there and died a thousand deaths, but the resulting odor has blanketed campus and IV for as long as anyone can remember. Luckily for you, UCSB students inhale 50% more pungent lagoon stink than we do oxygen, meaning your unwashed genitals are a fragrant bouquet of roses by comparison.
So don’t hesitate to flop into bed with a fellow Gaucho thanks to these seven surprising perks of getting your hands on a piece of that sweet, sweet Gaucho ass. Bang away, you naughty Isla Vistans.
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