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Highway 101 Opens Up: ‘This Has Been the Worst Month of My Life’

After surviving an onslaught of natural disasters in recent months, the greater Santa Barbara area is finally clear of any hazards that may further disturb and destroy the local life. Nobody was more relieved of this than the hardworking Highway 101, re-opened last week after an 11-day closure affecting travelers all over Southern Caifornia.

“I would definitely say my confidence reached an all-time low over the past few weeks,” the heartbroken highway explained. “Not one person could ride the Hershey highway. Even with all the danger and destruction from the mud, and it’s just hard not to take that personally, you know?”

The mudslides of Montecito were not the first incident that caused the road distress, as raging fires in December and torrential rain in early January forced closures and left commuters scrambling for alternate options. Many UCSB students and faculty south of SB could not make it back in time to resume partying once winter quarter began.

“UCSB students are all about blazing, but what happened in December was too far, and it hurts knowing I let all them down,” the 101 said, referring to the Thomas Fire. “And the mudslide situation down south was just an embarrassing, sticky mess that took too long to clean up. This has definitely been a painful few weeks.”

“I know it did all that it could to stay open,” second-year comm major Danielle Hart said through tears, “but I had to take the 5. Nobody should ever have to take the 5. I saw… things. Terrible, awful things,” she continued through a shudder, explaining that she is still coming to grips with the trauma of the traffic.

For the students who decided to steer clear of the 5, there were limited seaward options available. One avid surfer from Orange County decided to take the matter into his own hands when he needed to return to Santa Barbara for finals.

“They said surfing from Newport to SB was too far,” he said. “But once you’ve been pitted in the Wedge, anything is possible.”

“Besides,” he added, “I don’t care what they say about all those bacteria and pollutants in the ocean right now – I just surfed right past ‘em!” He then turned around to leave the interview, only to reveal a suspiciously non-human tentacle sprouting from his backside.

One student was frustrated that the closing caused him to miss important commitments. “I was ok with missing my Chem 1A final on Monday, but the 101 really fucked me over for my Tuesday night beer die tournament,” he said. “I was the 2 seed! Number 2! How am I supposed to toss die across the freakin state?” He went on to explain that while he of course got dangerously smashed in solidarity with his brothers, he was “Pretty pissed about the whole thing.”

This is truly that of a fall from grace, as a highway that had initially rescued many from the raging blaze ultimately denied countless others on their way to blazing and raging all throughout IV.


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