In an unprecedented move by UCSB Greek Life, the group has joined forces with the Isla Vista Foot Patrol to enforce a 3:1 chick-to-dick ratio in all UCSB classrooms and facilities. Effective immediately in all lecture halls, research labs, and even the library, the strict enforcement of this ratio is intended as a philanthropic effort to “improve the quality of life of every man, boy, and bro in the community.” This cooperative effort began immediately following the UCSB Interfraternity Council buying a 51% stake in IV Foot Patrol.
Beginning today, fraternity members have started recruiting their brothers as ratio enforcement officers. The duties of these officers include the following: enforcing the gender ratio; adhering to a rigid dress code of Birkenstocks, pastel Chubbies, and backwards visors; and ensuring all of the bathrooms on campus smell disgusting and look like an ape with ‘roid rage was let loose.
The official uniform of the newly enlisted is sponsored by Chubbies, Birkenstocks, The North Face, Sperry, and Lacoste. When they’re not on their feet, their vehicles of choice are douche-y convertibles or whatever expensive car their past brothers, who are now heads of start-ups, can buy them. For self-defense, they are issued riot-grade tasers; however, recent incidents of hilarious drunk tasing action at after-patrol parties have called into question the necessity of this equipment.
One second-year student of color, Ryan Valdez, reported to The Black Sheep that when he was attempting to enter a lecture in Campbell Hall, the officers would not let him into the lower division sociology class that was taking place.
When he asked them why he wasn’t being let in, they told him that the ratio was off; however, Valdez witnessed blond-haired fraternity member Chad Turner being welcomed into the hall with fist bumps and ass slaps. The Black Sheep has asked these officers why this student of color was not allowed inside, and their official statement in response reads as follows: “Why you bringing race into this, bro?”
Additional reports have detailed incidents at Cheadle Hall in which the IV Foot Patrol Ratio Enforcement officers began regulating the women-to-men ratio, until the officers realized that the lecture taking place was part of the Feminist Studies department. Once the officers began to hear the professor define terms such as “intersectionality” and “male gaze,” shouting erupted and they called students in the audience “social justice warriors” and complained that people are too “PC” in today’s climate. We reached out to the head of the IVFP: RED, but they have declined to comment on the situation.
At press time, sources confirmed that the UCPD and the RED had been called upon to perform an emergency extraction at Harold Frank Hall. Said lead detective Chase Hardy: “We knew something was up when our sensors indicated a rapid shift in ratio, with nearly 80 dicks to under 20 chicks. Luckily, our team was able to remove the 70 violators in question and restore order. Sure, we had to take out the professor and three TAs, but that’s a small price to pay for safety.”
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