Connect with us
Connect with us

UC Santa Barbara

The IVengers: 5 Heroes UCSB Would Send to Fight Thanos

Brace yourselves, for Thanos is coming. As the earth’s mightiest heroes suit up to do battle in Infinity War, UCSB is also preparing for the coming conflict. Determined to hold their own against this looming threat, the Gauchos have unveiled their most powerful weapon: a team of champions known as the IVengers. Unfortunately, legal disputes and various content restrictions prevented our stalwart defenders from appearing on the silver screen, so our reporters on The Black Sheep Investigative Team dug up these highly classified files with the details of their superhuman abilities:

5.) Captain Amphetamine:
Leading the charge against the enemies of Gauchodom is the strongest, fastest, most hyperactive hero the world has ever seen. Able to leap Davidson Library in a single bound, Captain Amphetamine uses magic white crystals from his home planet of Colombia to fuel his amazing powers. Whether it’s staying up all night researching the weaknesses various super-villains or vanquishing foes with his flashing fists, you can count on Captain Amphetamine.

Powers: Super strength and speed, requires little to no food or sleep.
Costume: Whatever he could find in the charity bin by Hempwise.
Vehicle: A bike made from various scrap metal found in back lots and dumpsters.
Weakness: His powers quickly diminish without a steady supply of crystals.
Arch-Nemesis: IV Foot Patrol.

4.) The Vitali Vanquisher:
Here to wield his Elixir of Self-Confidence inside his fabled Plastic Chalice, this Far-Eastern crime fighter has the ability to turn his enemies insides to fire and melt their brains to nothing. Upon consuming his sacred beverage, he gains near invincibility, perfect coordination, and flawless flirtation skills.

Powers: Can curse enemies with nausea and headaches, immune to social cues and all responsibilities that take place before 11:30 in the morning.
Costume: A sweaty, booze soaked Hawaiian shirt missing at least two too many buttons.
Vehicle: Uber.
Weaknesses: Puppies, sad Facebook clickbait, and “dudes tryna start some shit.”
Arch-Nemesis: Alcoholics Anonymous.

3.) Stonerman and Bong Boy:
This dynamic duo had to be grouped together as a single entry on our list, as one is powerless without the other. Bong Boy is the keeper of a variety of enchanted herbs that, upon being smoked by Stonerman, grant him fascinating mental abilities and clairvoyance. He can sense vibrations, emotions, and even (some say), a grilled cheese sandwich from 50 miles away. Stonerman and Bong Boy also provide the team with tasty snacks and invaluable moral support.

Powers: Snack-sense, speed eating, and vibration sensitivity.
Costume: Whatever he went to bed in the night before.
Vehicle: Walks everywhere.
Weaknesses: Bright sunlight, loud noises, bad vibes.
Arch-Nemesis: Cottonmouth and an empty fridge.

2.) The Masked Mapache:
A myth to many, and a menace to others, the Masked Mapache pursues justice outside the restrictions of the law. The poorly lit streets of Isla Vista in the late hours of the night are his hunting ground, the general degeneracy of this town his prey. Striking from the shadows of various dumpsters and bushes or atop the occasional fencepost, this cloaked crusader strikes fear into the hearts of bike thieves and fence-hoppers alike. Blessed with superhuman agility, senses, and night vision, no yard is safe from his nightly prowl.

Powers: Speed, Climbing ability, Coon-sense, night vision
Costume: Jet-black fursuit
Vehicle: Unknown
Weaknesses: Rat poison, flashlights, a baseball bat
Arch-Nemesis: Possums

1). Chancellor Yang:
No introduction is necessary.

Powers: Basically a god.
Costume: Perfectly fitted suit and tie.
Vehicle: University Shuttle.
Weaknesses: None.
Arch-Nemesis: Weather.

It’s clear that if Earth actually sent Chancellor Yang, Thanos wouldn’t stand a chance. Thank God our fearless leader showed enough restraint to let the Infinity War play out to its spellbinding conclusion without his interference, aka, certain victory. Thanos is reportedly quaking in his boots at the thought of a face off with the chancellor.

Know anyone at one of these schools? 
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired! 

Michigan – $300 Referral Bounty
Iowa State – $300 Referral Bounty
Minnesota – $300 Referral Bounty
New Hampshire – $300 Referral Bounty
Syracuse – $300 Referral Bounty 
Ole Miss – $300 Referral Bounty
Indiana – $300 Referral Bounty
Texas A&M CC- $300 Referral Bounty
Colorado State – $300 Referral Bounty 
UAB – $300 Referral Bounty
Kansas – $100 Bounty
Mississippi State – $100 Bounty
Mizzou – $100 Bounty
Penn State – $100 Bounty
SUNY Oswego – $100 Bounty
Auburn – $100 Bounty
UNCW – $100 Bounty
Wyoming – $100 Bounty
NC State – $100 Bounty
SLU/WASU – $100 Bounty
Portland – $100 Bounty
Slippery Rock – $100 Bounty
UMass – $100 Bounty
Michigan State – $100 Bounty
Click here to DM our Twitter and we’ll take it from there!


Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame:

Continue Reading

More from UC Santa Barbara

To Top