In the wake of an across-the-board success for Campus United in this week’s general elections, sources confirmed Thursday night that plans are in motion for the party to enact a modest addition to student fees this coming year. The $5.00 per-student fee increase, which received near-unanimous support in a landslide 97%-3% victory at the polls, will fund the swift and “brutal enslavement” of Cal Poly students and make them do our homework for us.
“We are truly living in exciting times,” said Chancellor Yang, who has worked closely with CU throughout the campaign to prepare to implement the measure. “With this revolutionary overhaul in the way we educate our students, we are now beginning a new era on campus,” he said. “Think of all the extra free time we’ll have to get fucked up, what with all these unpaid laborers doing our work for us.” He then added that it was a tremendous opportunity for UCSB to get back to “doing what we do best: partying. hard. 24/7/365.”
“Furthermore,” Yang continued, “our students will have the unique experience of earning their four-year degree in just four months through our slave-labor maximization program.” He explained that the entire UCSB curriculum has been replaced with a 120-day extended finals period for Cal Poly laborers to churn out four years’ worth of tests and essays. Students can expect to learn valuable skills in management and training as they push their assigned workers to the limit, budgeting for up to 20-22 hours of work per day from each Cal Poly student.
Administrators from both schools have voiced their support for the program, noting that as the Gauchos and the Mustangs, “it’s only natural” for one to subjugate the other and exploit them for their labor.
Proponents of the measure have touted further benefits UCSB students will reap from it. Sitting CU President Hieu Le has noted that it will fast-track students for high powered, high level management positions in corporate America, saying “Everybody in business needs to be able to make people work for them for free, whether they like it or not.” Getting crucial early experience in slaveholding and managing will enable students to climb the corporate ladder “light years faster than their peers.”
At press time, sources reported that Yang had just shared plans for the measure with Janet Napolitano in an effort to facilitate all nine UC campuses adopting similar programs with their rival CSUs.
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