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Let’s Rank UCSB STEM Majors Based on their Social Skills

STEM majors: studying is their game, Davidson Library is their domain. These students are notorious for their lack of social skills, but some are definitely better than others. Here are UCSB’s STEM majors graded on their social skills (or like, lack there of):

6.) Anyone in the engineering department:
We were going to individually rate each field of engineering, but we quickly realized they’re all equally awful at interacting with other humans. Walk up to any engineer, look them in the eyes, and simply ask them their name. Notice the pit stains that are already forming, and the scent of machine oil radiating around them. You have to be quick though, before they run away.

5.) Math and statistics:
Math and statistics majors are always performing calculations, even when trying to make it through a conversation with someone else who also breathes. You can see the wheels turning as you approach them, and the look of fear in their eyes when they finally compute that you’re probably coming to talk to them. This will leave them a bumbling, sputtering mess who can’t even get a word out. Bonus points: If you if you happen to glance at their crotch you’ll notice the solid half-chub steadily forming.

4.) Computer science:
Going out into the field to search for computer science majors turned out to be interesting, as we learned that all they do is watch porn and eat plain Sun Chips. With access to computer labs all day, it turns out this is pretty easy for them to do. None of their actual work ever gets done, ever. They don’t respond to anyone either, they’re too fixated on their screens imagining that a cam girl would be the one to talk back to them.

3.) Earth sciences:
All Earth science majors know is rocks, rocks, and more rocks. Maybe, if you get lucky, you’ll see something that was ONCE alive, but oh wow, now it’s a fossil (a.k.a. a rock). Igneous, limestone, sandstone, doesn’t matter, it’s boring. But hey, they’re a step up from the previous majors on this list (because at least they can get their words out). Getting them to shut up about the difference between stalactite and stalagmite is the real trick. 

2.) Chemistry:
Chem majors get some points for trying. They do alright making connections, but always end up blowing it. They seem charming and smart, but then they hit you with some cheesy pick-up line about a chemical reaction. Roll your eyes and walk far, far away from them, it only gets worse from here.

1.) Biology:
Biologists are all talk, no game. They’ll actually get you on a date, but once they pick you up is when things go to shit. They have no idea what other people like, all they know is that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. The usual first date spots for biology majors include, but are not limited to: cadaver labs, hospitals, and zoos. (That last one doesn’t sound so bad.) They’ll spend the entire time loudly calling to all of the animals, attempting to speak with them in ways they could never speak to another human. That being said, they all have to take some anatomy classes at some point, so at least they’ll know their way around your body parts. Hot.

As you can see, none of them do particularly well, but some are even worse than others. It’s hard to be a big nerd sometimes.

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