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DP Landlords Raise Rent on Mountainside; “One Mudslide Away From Beachfront Property”

It’s been a tumultuous month for the Gauchos. With the world around them burning, suffocating, crushing, and drowning them all at once, the intrepid undergraduates have only one means of respite: trashing DP before the natural disasters get to it first. Students roaming Del Playa Drive are blissfully unaware that there may soon be half as many parties to crash, and like the hunter taking the prey at its most vulnerable, the landlords of DP have caught tenants with their pants squarely around their ankles.

In light of recent natural phenomena, mountainside Del Playa landlords have begun raising rents in anticipation of a sudden and violent increase in property value. Unfortunately, the landed gentry of Isla Vista are a strange and secluded people, so only a few interviews were possible. The few our reporters managed to corner against the fence at Dogshit Park expressed nothing but excitement for what could very likely be a massive loss of innocent life.

“If there’s anything Montecito taught us, it’s that we’re one mudslide away from beachfront property,” one was quoted as saying. “I believe the rates should reflect that.”

While the landlords made no exact predictions on when all oceanside developments on DP would go crashing into the depths, they were certain of its inevitability. When asked about the public’s response to increased cost of living, all claimed their tenants to be “too fucked up to notice if the houses across the street were gone, much less if they got a different rent check once a month.”

However, despite being extremely fucked up, many Del Playa residents took issue with the sudden drop in booze money. “I can understand paying for an ocean view, but the only view I have right now is a girl up against the window of the apartment across the street. I’m not paying extra for that,” one 66 block resident told press. Others felt the effects more severely.

Reporters found a distraught group of young women standing among piles of their belongings on the sidewalk of 67. When asked about their plight, one expressed nothing but confusion. “I don’t understand why they don’t just, like, build more cliff. Then they could build even more houses and make money off them. It’s not like the ocean is doing anything anyways.” It was later confirmed that her eviction seriously impacted her performance in COMM 1.

The potential ripple effects of this economic earthquake could be felt all through town. Partygoers might drastically see lower alcohol volumes at major parties. Keg’ n Bottle and IV Market might have to lay off over half their employees. SOS Liquor could file for bankruptcy, and night after night, the unbearable racket of cheap DJs will echoe down DP. Alternatively, average class attendance and test scores might very well spike, as many students will avoid the lackluster festivities all weekend so that they can instead study and prepare for their classes.

At press time, most oceanside DP residents reported that they were never sure whether they would wake up in the morning anyways, so it was business as usual in Isla Vista.



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