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How to Prove to Your Parents You Haven’t Been a (Total) Degenerate at UCSB This Quarter

After all the stress of finals week is over, Gauchos will vacate Isla Vista and prepare for every year’s most difficult test: holidays with the family. Odds are your parental units will not find underage drinking and smoking like a chimney to be the most worthwhile use of your study time and tuition dollars, so with that in mind, here’s how to act around your favorite vices, in order to avoid the subject of your indiscretions while catching up about college.

Around Weed:
When you are (inevitably) offered marijuana, either to smoke, eat, or inject, reply with “Mom! That oregano has most certainly gone bad! You must throw it out at once!” She will be taken aback by your obvious stupidity and ignorance. You have passed the first test.

Around Booze:
When offered alcohol by anyone at all, even at large family gatherings, pretend to be excited, no matter the drink. Now take a sip and immediately spit it out as if you just drank bong water. This will show everyone that you are a weak child unable to handle the burn of alcohol. Most importantly, it will also throw them off the scent of your weekly body shots at the ZBT’s foam party before you hit the floor to tango with our lord and chancellor, Henry T. Yang.

Despite the ensuing messy ordeal, this is a high-risk, high-reward move. Lessening parental suspicion is worth way more than what grandma will have to pay the dry cleaners to get those red wine stains out of her Persian rug.

Around the ~sex~:
The worst drug is left for last: pussy. To pretend to certain conservative or religious parents that pussy has not been grabbed, tapped or consumed, one must casually ask questions to throw parents off their scent. Ask questions such as “Where do babies come from?” and “Why do people like these little sombrero shaped candies the Women’s Center passes out in the Arbor? I think they just taste like latex.” Then no one will know about all of the hot chicks (ok, 2) that have gotten that good Gaucho gonorrhea from you.

CAVEAT: On the reverse side, some people may have not had any luck at college yet and will be expected to have some experience by now. Coming from someone who has had this problem for years, here’s a couple tips to help blend in with normal people. Memorize the screenplay of a well-done porn (any of the ones starring Chancellor Yang are highly recommended) so that your experiences seem real and also exciting. An extra tip is to leave a trail of opened condom rappers. When found, people will question the meaning and will give you the chance to explain that you were in the middle of using it but it’s not done yet. They’ll know what it means.

These tips will keep suspicion off your back and freedom at your fingertips during this winter break as your liver lungs and genitalia get a small break from Isla Vista’s favorite past times.

Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast with Twitter’s @Rad_Milk!

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