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Ranking UCSB Frats by How Sweaty Their Parties Are

Everybody knows UCSB as a top-tier party school, but how often do we give thanks to the amazing troublemakers who help us maintain our sterling reputation? Our frats work hard to help us get past all the fires, mudslides and TAs who don’t speak English so that we can power through the week one rager at a time. Here are the top six houses on campus to forget your troubles and get into some new ones:

6.) Alpha Theta Omega:

ATO’s parties are so lit, even the camera gets blurry and forgets what it saw. With such party classics as wasted-tug-of-war and ~tasteful~ string lighting, ATO is the perfect place to drink away your last remaining brain cells before your midterm has its way with them. Plus, just look at how commanding and dominant that brother with the megaphone is — ATO parties and ATO brothers should be on every Gaucho girl’s To-Do list this quarter. That being said, just looking at those blue shirts after a day of drinking makes us sweaty, so, 6/7 on the sweat scale. Nice job boys. 

5.) Delta Tau Delta:

Only those who can recite the DTD fight song mid-kegstand while flawlessly executing DTD’s ceremonial Dance of The Drunks get into such sweat-sclusive parties. The brothers are also well situated to attract people who were not looking for a party to begin with, often luring formerly Freebird’s-bound pedestrians into nights of booze-fueled debauchery. Look forward to being crammed in such a basement and covered in iridescent paint (?), which brings the DTD Sweats to a 3/10, pretty sweaty but also other various goops and body fluids.  

4.) Zeta Beta Tau:

This frat, better known for its daygers than its parties, get cemented in the middle of this list, because you can’t have a dayger without a few trickles of sweat dribbling down your back and into your asscrack. Notice their expert hosting technique of sardine-packing their guests into one concentrated mass of swampass. ZBT brothers know that successfully day raging takes a Herculean effort with such a vibrant nightlife to compete with, so they get a special shout out for sweating it out in the sun. Sweat Level: 11. 

3.) Zeta Psi:

Better known as Zeta Poseidon, ZP throws the most thought-provoking parties on this list. Their latest party had a “What The Fuck” theme featuring costumes ranging from neon wigs and horse masks to bearded women in sequins. You may begin to think all the scantily clad hotties take their sweat-levels down a notch, but  once you to wade waist-deep through partying stoners and through a few thirsty hotties to make it inside for the booze, that’s when the real sweating begins. All hail the ocean god and his tsunamis of Busch Light!

2.) Sigma Pi:

Voted as the number one place in IV to trip balls, Sig Pi’s Electric Zoo party drew a huge crowd of light-and-sweat enthusiasts. Partygoers are understandably disoriented and disheartened when what looked like the rave of the century shut down promptly at midnight, but took solace in the fact that mind-altering substances, sweating through literally every layer of clothing, and brightly colored lights obey no curfew. Party on, Sweatma Pi!

1.) Alpha Epsilon Phi:

Everything about their recent Angels/Devils theme party was on point, because Angels aren’t sweaty. Read the Bible, you idiot! They let all women in to maintain a solid chick-to-dick ratio, and their chosen theme allowed for many extremely creative variations on who might typically get sweat all rubbed up on them at any other frat party. The alcohol was flowing, the herb was burning, the sweat was… well, what do you expect? What really matters is that everybody  at the party was sweaty despite their not having turned down a single chick. How did they do it?! Stay sweating AEP!

These frats, among others, help Gauchos live their best lives by getting drunk and sweaty every week and weekend. Hot girls, good music and rivers of vodka — these parties are well worth the hangovers. Cheers and beers to Gaucho debauchery all over Isla Vista!


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