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Ranking The UCSB Res Halls Based On RA Hotness

UCSB is well known for how attractive its students are. In fact, a recent study conducted by five slightly stoned UCSB freshmen found that UCSB is the most physically attractive school of all the UCs! To keep this culture of physical attractiveness going, UCSB hires exclusively RAs who are in line with the university values of being hot and sexy. Behold — the definitive ranking of the top 6 Hottest RAs representing their res halls:

6.) San Miguel Hall – Ishita Kanungo:

When asked how she felt about her selection, said she is “In disbelief, just because the rest of the staff is so amazing and accomplished!” Kanungo went on to state that residents do not have a chance with her, simply because the vast majority of them are 18, which is too young for her. Kanungo concluded the interview with a flip of her impossibly cute curls and a promise that the interviewer could see her again.

5.) San Miguel Hall – Derick Yang:

Yang was equally humble in his acceptance. “I feel like there’s hotter RAs here, but it’s so great to have been chosen!” he said. Yang attributes his hotness to his parents and that he used to work out a lot. As of right now, Yang’s biceps are “Look, don’t touch,” but rest assured that many, many people are working to change this policy.

4.) Tropicana Gardens – Ata Ahmad:

Ahmad, visibly delighted by his nomination, explained “It is not easy being the hottest male RA in all of Gardens, but I make it work.” He thanks his parents for making such a beautiful baby and advises readers to drink lots of milk. Ahmad explains his stance on dating residents: “Hell no.”

3.) Tropicana Gardens – Angela Busquets:

Gardens residents really lucked out with their local hottie Angela Busquets. Busquets, who was recommended by two other male RAs, says: “I feel like it makes me hotter that I’m very fond of napping. Like I am literally always sleeping.” Indeed it does make Busquets hotter in a sleeping beauty type way, but unfortunately for any lusty residents, she has been off the market for the last two years. As though to rub salt in their collective wounds, Busquets notes that she would not have given her residents a chance anyway.

2.) Tropicana Del Norte – Andres Diaz:

Andres Diaz and Antonia Davetas, clear winners of the genetic lottery, bring home the gold. Diaz, the hottest male RA for Trop, graciously explains how he got to be so hot: “I’ll obviously give a shout out to my parents. Also, I eat a balanced breakfast, exercise, and stay hydrated.” FYI ladies, Diaz is miraculously still single! He explains that he is waiting for a special person and that he wants a real relationship. Diaz had more to say but the interviewer was blinded by his 200-watt smile and had to excuse herself.

1.) Tropicana Del Norte – Antonia Davetas:

Davetas, the hottest female RA, had her own take on the award, noting that she felt pretty good about being selected until she realized that she was one of only two female RAs in the building. Davetas says: “I have natural curls, which are pretty cute. And I always try to be approachable and friendly.” When pushed, she stated that she would give a resident a chance, but that he would have to be a very special person. Single file line, gents!

It should come as no surprise that the most expensive Res Hall hosts the hottest RAs. Tropicana Del Norte residents pay extra for the eye candy! Residents from all buildings have voiced concern over whether next year’s fresh batch of RAs would be up to par, but rest assured that the RAs, so essential as leaders in the community, must set a good example and maintain UCSB’s reputation of impossible hotness.

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