As the January housing hunt hits full swing, UCSB housing, dining, and auxiliary enterprises are rolling out a revised version of the classic 2&2 program that has kept many students in university housing for all four of their first six years as undergrads.
“We call it the ‘2&2 – 2.0,’” said Associate Vice Chancellor Wilfred Brown, referring to the updated program which is now aimed specifically at students who have no friends. “Loners have long been our model residents,” said Brown, “and with the complete lack of social activity all but eliminating the copious noise, mess, and smoke typically generated by UCSB students, they are easily our top priority on the free agent market for residents.”
Residence halls have spent the past weeks competing ruthlessly to snatch up friendless students in need of housing for the 2018-19 school year. Director of Residential and Community Living Jill Hurd explains how Santa Catalina, better known among community members as Fuck Towers, has attempted to sweeten its offer to attract the socially inept.
“It’s always been a handicap being right next to Portola Dining Commons,” she said. “But the new facility has addressed those concerns by replacing all the large tables with individual single-seaters, and raising the counters between students and servers by 8 feet so as to eliminate any risk of eye contact.”
“Plus,” she added, “we elevated the notoriously shitty food to be on par with the rest of the dining commons’ [woefully substandard] fare. How cool is that?”
Meanwhile, dorms already located closer to marginally more appealing dining options have focused their efforts on improving other accommodations. Mike Hatten, Vice President of Business and Financial Planning, says of San Miguel and San Nicolas Res Halls’ strategy: “The Finance Committee knows these poor losers can’t get enough of the bare wood furniture their rooms come stocked with.”
The VP went on to explain that they’ve allocated their entire budget towards a revolutionary new line of extra-beige beds, desks, and chairs that are “Sure to attract loners with an eye for comfort and quality.”
Even more ambitious residence hall directors have submitted plans for the construction of three brand-new dormitories built specifically for friendless students, who experts say are the least likely to do drugs.
“We realized something was up when our roommate pairing algorithm kept failing inexplicably,” said Jamie Hunt, Senior Technological Advisor, referring to the pairing model that maximizes compatibility by matching dealers to customers. “With so many residents who have never been offered drugs of any kind, it just made sense to create a space for them all to be socially isolated together,” said Hunt.
At press time, sources confirmed that employees of Anacapa Hall had staked their turf at Davidson Library and launched an all-hands-on-deck ground campaign to canvas for potential residents.